Sometimes it’s easy for people to say “Just forgive him/her," as if forgiveness is something that could happen in a blink of an eye. I am aware that God forgave us so we ought to forgive. But God’s forgiveness isn’t free, it was bought with a price, given to us by grace. A sacrifice was made. Blood was shed. For the bible clearly stated that without shedding of the blood, there is no remission of sin. Jesus took our place so that God’s wrath could be satisfied. So don’t tell me that forgiveness is easy. It’s NOT! The cross may remind us of God’s grace, forgiveness and salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ, but it is also a reminder that sin has consequence. There is a price to pay and it costs a lot. It’s not cheap.. it costs Jesus’ own life in order for forgiveness and reconciliation between God and humanity to take place.
Forgiveness is not as easy as 1, 2, 3. It takes time and healing needs to take place as well. It also takes a lot of sacrifice and effort. People may say that forgiveness is the only thing that could heal you, but I strongly believe that a person could only truly forgive once s/he is healed.
There may be instances when it’s easy to forgive..
1. if you’ve only been hurt once
2. the person who hurt you is willing to do everything just to make up things for you.
3. the offense is too light
4. the person is “unaware" (not just pretending that s/he doesn’t know) that s/he offended somebody
5. forgiveness is as shallow as simply trying to be in good terms with the person
If you’ve been hurt a hundred times by the same person, for almost the same reason, had been wounded badly enough and the pain is as excruciating as hell, and the offense had created a huge turmoil and big mess, then you can’t say that forgiveness is easy. A simple apology is not enough to heal a crushed soul and a broken heart.
It may be good to encourage a person to forgive. But to insist that forgiveness should take place “now" is like hitting a person with a baseball bat after s/he has been badly wounded. Forgiveness is necessary, but again, it’s not easy. Forgiveness should take place in a person’s own time and phase. It shouldn’t be rushed nor demanded. Also, people who have been hurt must be given enough time and space to either grieve or vent out their anger. To deprive them of those things is worst than a murder. You can’t step on somebody’s foot and expect them not to react once they felt the pain or give a wrong direction and expect the person not to get lost.
Also, people often confuse forgiveness with reconciliation. There’s a big difference between the two. You can reconcile without forgiving and you can forgive without reconciling. Based on my experience, there are times when it’s better not reconcile with somebody than allow her to hurt me or disappoint me over and over again. As much as I want to be as merciful and as forgiving as God, I realized that if I don’t get myself out of that cycle - getting hurt, forgiving, reconciling, getting hurt, forgiving, reconciling, getting hurt….. - I would end up drowning myself in a sea of rage and get myself killed with unforgiveness poisoning my heart. Love keeps no record of doing wrong. I also know that. But to say that I can forget things that has been done several times is a LIE. When a certain offense has been done several times for years, people should realize that a person’s trust is at stake.. it can be broken. And a person’s trust that has been shattered into pieces, mended, shuttered, mended and shuttered over and over again, is cureless and irreparable. You can be forgiven for the last time, but never to be trusted again. Also, a person who is tolerated and granted grace and mercy after committing the same offense over and over again, may end up with a calloused heart. To always let them get away with things isn’t giving them grace.. it’s allowing them to get worse and depriving them to learn the lessons that could teach them how to become a better person.
Lastly, it’s not good to blame the person for not giving you a chance to reconcile again, nor to blame them for not handling their pain and anger well. No, it’s not always the person’s fault to experience such traumas. You have to realize that to forgive with reconciliation requires a lot of patience, understanding, sacrifice and effort from a person. Taking that for granted is worse than being a psychopath. It's only when you offended them lightly and created a mountain out of a molehill that could give you the right to say that they’re not handling their rage well.
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