Questions in the Midst of my Faith

Walking in this road of life seems so endless and restless. There were times when I just feel so exhausted and I just want to stop walking. I want to stop living but it’s a fact that I can’t stop existing. Life will go on, time will go by and I don’thave a choice but to keep moving forward. Through one of the coldest and darkest nights in my life, I can’t help but wonder what life is about. It’s not that I didn’t know that I have a purpose, because I do believe that God created me for one, but there are certain things in life that confuse me. What’s right from wrong? How things ought to be? What should be done? What are the possibilities to expect and hope for?

I’m not saying that I do not know absolute right from wrong. But there were times in an argument or debates when both parties could make legit reasons and both of them have their point and could be right. And it’s not that I don’t know what I should or should not do. It’s just that where times when I’m really clueless on what’s the right thing to do in a certain situation or the right decision to make. And because I am ironically a realistic person who still believes in miracles, I want to know if there are limitations to the impossibilities that God would allow beyond the realities of life. Despite my growing faith, I have to admit that I'm still clouded by doubts, confusion and questions.

What is Christian life is about? Is it being saved by grace but be questioned for not always doing the right thing? To realize that as Christians, we ought to be Christ-like, but learn that we are still imperfect human beings. Frail. Capable of failing and breaking one’s trust. If that’s the case, should imperfection stop me from trusting people then? Or should anyone even learn how to trust at all? Should I even hate myself for being and imperfect, untrustworthy human being? Is Christianity even about perfection? Or is it believing and understanding that being saved by grace means perfection can never be beyond one’s reach? Isn’t that the reason why God sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for us? He saved us because we cannot save ourselves from our sinful nature. But if that’s the case, should we stop being good and continue to sin then? How about the verse that says, “Faith without action is dead.” And isn’t the question “should we continue living in sin?” been answered, “NO” by Paul in his letters several times? But why even state that even he, himself is struggling with his sinful nature in Romans 7:14-25? And how about the verse that says, “All things have passed away, behold all things are new,” but find ourselves still struggling with the things that we had expected to be delivered from? Should we really be condemned and judged despite the fact that growing, changing and bearing fruit is a process that we need to go through, hoped for and wait upon? What is Christian life all about?

What  is God’s will all about? How do we know His will? How could we truly hear His voice? How do we discern we really hear God’s voice or we’re merely fooling ourselves? If God says, His sheep knows His voice, should I always believe every leading that I see then? If faith requires action despite doubts, am I not supposed to feel uncertain? And if God close doors no one can shut and shut doors no one can open, are all good opportunities from God? Why do we still fail to align to His will then? Is this life really one’s choice? Or is it about God’s will? And if God allows failure for a purpose, should we blame ourselves for failing then?

And how about Love? What is love all about? What makes love unconditional? Why say someone is not deserving of your love if love is unconditional? Aren’t we supposed to love those people who deserves it the least? What does it mean to truly love someone anyway?  But what is sharing God’s love all about? Is love and forgiveness all about tolerance? Or is it about respect and discipline? And how can love be a commitment if love is also letting go and setting free?

You may find me weird for asking these questions or think that I don’t understand my faith, though some of you might find yourselves asking the same questions that I do. But, it’s a fact that no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try to be faithful and trust God, my limited knowledge could never answer all questions nor solve all mysteries about life. Neither can I fully understand God and His ways. Though I may not fully understand all there is about life and God, I do however, know that God is all that I need to survive in this life. He is the only reason for my existence and living. He may be beyond my touch, my grasp but I know that He is real and He is alive.

 Needless to say, my life can never be perfect just because I am a Christian. I will continue to struggle. But that wouldn’t stop me from living my life. I may be exhausted but I haven’t stopped walking.. and running.. and enduring.. till I reach my destination. I will never stop hoping that there’ll come a day when all my doubts and my questions together with my fears, anxieties, burdens, pains, confusions and even my imperfections will fade. Everything else may fail, but not God. There may be times when I all I ever wanted to do was to stop and cry my heart out. But my lamentation isn’t merely a complaint to show lack of faith but also a form of worship to express my total dependence on God. At times, He may be silent but that doesn’t mean He quit. And though I can’t help myself from longing and yearning for Him to finally take me home, I won’t stop living one day at a time. Time and life is like a coin, only to be spend once.. why waste it?

Indeed life is full of pain, tragedy, lies, conflicts, problems and suffering. But, I do believe that God has a purpose for everything. And like Jonah in the bible, He can even allow you to get away from Him and go your own way, which is directly opposite to the road that He had prepared for You. But even there, great lessons can be learned. And no matter how stubborn we may be, like the prodigal son, God is always ready to accept us and to run towards us once we finally decided to back home. And it is true that not all good opportunities come from God. But it is still our choice what to accept or reject. At times, we may fail. Still, failures surrendered to God can be turned upside down. I have stopped seeking for perfection and true satisfaction in this life for I know that I’ll never find it. For who could ever be satisfied in this life if one is created for eternity? Instead, I’ve learned how to love and embrace life’s beauty along with its flaw.  Nevertheless, it’s been my catalyst to live for eternity.

Lastly, Loving without getting hurt is impossible. And when love is betrayed, when love is violated, when trust has been broken… it is hard to trust again, to believe again and to love again. But even if it’s hard, I won’t keep myself from experiencing love and from trusting again. For what teaches me to truly love and made me feel loved and accepted is the fact that I’ve experienced hatred, being hated and being rejected. And though loving without getting hurt is impossible, love in itself is not pain. Love is beautiful and wonderful. God is even equated with love. Though love may reveal layers and layers of a person’s flaw, it could also bring out one’s best. Most of all, I believe that love doesn’t fail you, people do.

Cracked Water Pot (Original Story with my Reflection)

A water bearer in India had two large pots hanging at the ends of a pole that he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house. The other pot had a crack in it, and by the time it reached its destination, it was only half full. Every day for two years the water bearer delivered only one and one-half pots of water to the master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments—perfect to the end for which it was made. The poor little cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfections and miserable that it could accomplish only half of what it had been designed to do. After two years of what the imperfect pot perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer and said, "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer, "What are you ashamed of?"

"Well, for these past two years, I have been able to deliver only half a load of water each day because this crack in my side allows water to leak out all the way back to the master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all this work without getting the full value of your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot noticed the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because half of its load had leaked out once again.

Then the bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path and not on the other pot's side? That's because I've always known about your flaw and took advantage of it by planting flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day as we walked back from the stream, you watered those seeds, and for two years I have picked these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just what you are, he would not have had this beauty to grace his house."

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.

But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there.

MY REFLECTION

Being a “living sacrifice” is not about being perfect in order to be accepted by God. Who has the power to be perfect anyway? If God knew that we can be perfect, then there’s no need for Him to send His one and only Son to die for our sins. The issue of perfection has been dealt by Christ on the cross.

An omnipotent and omniscient God knows everything about us.. our flaws, our weaknesses, our failures, our strengths, our achievements, our ambitions, our secrets.. everything from the inside out. Being a living sacrifice isn't simply changing your ways and your attitude in order TO SHOW people how good you are. It is about allowing God to mold you and change you in His own unique way and in His perfect time. At the same time, it’s about allowing Him to use you as His cracked pot in order to change other people’s lives.

For the past years I’ve always struggled on how to tell other people what I do not like about them, what is wrong with them and how to change them. As much as I struggle about their flaws, I struggle with my own. How can I change? What should I do? Why am I like this? In short, why can’t I just be perfect? But God taught me this simple lesson in life.. “I cannot change people.” I can’t change the way they think about me, the way they think about others, the way they act around. In the same way, I cannot change myself by my own strength. Without the power of the Spirit of the living God, my efforts will be in vain.

“The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life.” – John 6:63

All of us are cracked pots made by God's own hands. He shapes us and molds us as His own unique masterpiece. Since we are uniquely created, we have our own strengths and weaknesses. We can’t expect others to be able to do everything we can do.

We may not be able to change other people but God can use us as an instrument to change others. Sometimes it may involve revealing our flaws. Like the cracked pot, we may feel ashamed, useless and worthless. But look at Paul’s statement..

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

God gives us weaknesses and shows us our self-inadequacy in order to keep us from becoming proud. Likewise, He want us to acknowledge those things before Him so we can enable Him to work in us. He wants us to realize that without Him, we are nothing and we can do nothing. Our weaknesses and failures keep us from exalting ourselves above God and above others. As a servant of Christ, we should then know that whatever we accomplish, whatever good that is in us comes from God and not from our own. We should stop boasting about the things that we can do that others cannot.

In the same way, don't condemn yourself for not being able to do all things right. God can use even your worst character in order to shape other people's lives. Allow Him to water the seeds that He has planted along your way through your imperfections. Stop wondering on how people around you can change. Instead start praying for them and be still when God wants to USE you as His cracked pot to change them.

Most of the time, when I share the gospel of Christ to people, I'm able to connect with them not by criticizing them but by sharing my own testimony. Though I'm not perfect, for God isn't done with me yet, I was able to share how God had changed my life. At times I may feel like it's not enough but made me realize that He can use the 5 loaves and 2 fishes that I have in my  hands. 

So learn how to accept yourself and accept your flaws. Don't try to be somebody else nor pretend to do the things that you cannot do. If you're hoping for God to change you, then you should allow Him to reveal the real you. No matter how much we hide ourselves from the bushes, God will still reveal your weaknesses through your circumstances. Learn how to acknowledge them before God and allow Him to change you.

If you want people around you to change, don’t force them to change, don’t tell them what to do.. instead share your life with them, your own testimony. Tell them how God changed you and the things that He has done in your life. If it is God's will, allow Him to use you to touch those people's hearts. Through your testimony, others can learn from you. When you share your testimony, your life speaks for you.

Lastly, stop focusing on other people... let God deal with them. Rather, focus on yourself.

Check your heart.. why do you want them to change? If the reason is simply because you want them to treat you right, then your reason is still self-centered. But if you want them to change because you want them to be a better person, then your reason is out of compassion. In that way, every words you'll use to rebuke those people will be out of love and not condemnation.

Instead of wondering why your circumstances or the people around you are not changing, ask God what He is trying to change in you through them. When we stop asking why and start responding right, God will reveal His answers and His purpose for our circumstances.

I thank God for the cracked pots that He has placed in my life. These people may have hurt, insulted, mocked, criticized, judged or even paralyzed me, but, they are a blessing for me. Through them, God has molded my character. Accepting this reality is hard, painful, frustrating and burdensome, but I’ve learned the greatest lessons in my life from it. I also thank God for the cracked pots who were brave enough to share their life with me.. for their encouraging testimonies. They showed me what God can do in a person’s life.