One Week

Please don’t get me wrong, I love this quote and I do appreciate the message that it gives. But I felt the urge to write a different perspective about it.

Yes, it’s true that without God, we’ll have those days. But even if God is with me, I could be certain that I would still sin (sinday), mourn (mournday) and cry (tearsday), there will be days when I would feel wasted (wasteday), times when I would thirst (thirstday), days when I would be involved in a fight (fightday), times when my heart would be shattered (shatterday) and a week when I would feel weak. Whether you are a believer of Christ or not, you are vulnerable to have such imperfect days. And not just you.. even me.. all of.. even those who claim to be strong Christians. However, I realized that it was during these times and days of the week - from sinday to shatterday - when I was weak, that I've seen and experienced God in a different way. It wasn't easy but it's worth it. And right now, my goal is not simply having a “good and perfect day”, but having a deeper relationship with God.

SINDAY

Even with a perfect God, as an imperfect human being – with flaws and weaknesses – whose living an imperfect life in an imperfect world, I know for a certain that there would be those days when I would sin (everyday to be exact). Until that day when God would finally get me out of this fleshly body, no matter how hard I try, I would still sin. But what is more important for me is the fact that I am a sinner saved by God’s grace. Like what I always say, if God knew that I could be perfect on my own - be without blemish or even a spot of sin - then there wouldn’t be a need for Him to send His Son to die on the cross for me. Why go through all those suffering for nothing? And if I wouldn’t admit that I am a sinner, then there is no right for me to say that I am a Christian either. What do I need Christ, as my Savior for if I can save myself from my sins? Though I am not saying that we should deliberately sin for the sake of it (because although we can never attain perfection, we still need to struggle to stop sinning), I could say that it is when I realized how sinner I have been that I was able to truly see and experience God’s amazing grace. The good thing about being a Christian though is the fact that I don’t need to change on my own. I know that God will continue to change me and renew my mind every single day, until I became the person that He intended me to be.

MOURNDAY AND TEARSDAY

I put these two “days” together for I believe that they could go in the same category. When we mourn, most likely, we’ll cry, and sometimes, we cry because we are mourning - though some people may have the power to conceal their tears when they mourn and there could be other reasons why we are weeping besides mourning.

There are two love letters from God that I received for these two “days”.

"Dear Mournday,

I know that it won’t be easy for you but please do remember that you are blessed.

'Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.' (Matthew 5:4) Remember that I am a God of comfort and in me you can take refuge."

"Dear Tearsday,

I know that your face maybe flooded with tears but don’t forget,

'I have kept track of all your sorrows, I have collected your tears in a bottle. I have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8)'

I value you and your tears. They won’t come in vain. Remember that I have deeper purpose for your pain and I will be with you as you go through with it."

We should also realize the fact that there are things that we can only learn when we are in pain. Pain can make us wise if we can respond to it wisely. A painless life can actually make us dumb.

WASTEDAY

I know that there’d be days that I may feel wasted or there may be times that I may feel like I wasted my day. But God is a God who recycles. Also He said it in His word, “All of us must die eventually. Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him.” (2 Samuel 14:14)

Life has no room for regrets, only lesson to be learned. But I am certain that there is never a wasted life, if one will only learn how to surrender it to God. God has a purpose for everything. If we’ll trust in Him, we could be certain that He can still use what seems to be a wasted day or a wasted life for His glory. Remember, good fertilizers that brought about wonderful flowers are actually “wastes”.

THIRSTDAY

“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. (John 7:37-38)

There’s actually a good thing about being thirsty. Pastor Timothy Pantoja, in one of his sermon said, that it is during those times that we are hungry that all food seems to taste good, and those times when we are really thirsty that we actually savor drinking water.

In life, it is during those times when we thirst that we could actually appreciate the living water that God offers. During our good days, we have to admit that there were times when we (intentional or unintentional) take God for granted. But it’s when we realize our need for Him that we actually seek Him, and learn that without Him, we can do nothing.

FIGHTDAY

Most people believe that Christians are doormat who doesn’t know how to fight back.. always meek, always gentle and most of all, always tolerating. But that’s a lie. Christians actually know how to fight back, when to fight back, who to fight, what are they fighting for, know how to stand on their ground, and most of all, when to retreat and go to God as their hiding place. And like what Pastor Armando Pantoja said, Christian life is not about “tolerance”.  A wise Christian won’t tolerate people without disciplining, correcting or rebuking them (which could actually cause them to be involved in an argument or fight).

In another context, we are in a constant battle and surely we have to fight. Do you know that some of God’s people in the Old testament are actually warriors? Not to discourage anybody but it’s a fact that even God’s people actually kill and murder in the Old testament. However, in Christ, God didn’t literally expect us to kill for His Name sake but God had called us to be His warriors in the spiritual realm, not leaving us defenseless, but providing us with the right armor that we need.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

(And another weapon that God had provided is in this one word.. “prayer”.)

 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Ephesians 6:10-18

Although I would admit that as imperfect people with differences, Christians could also be unreasonable and fight for the wrong reasons. Conflicts may still arise in their midst together with their prides. In one of the seminars that I have attended, the word “conflict” always has a negative connotation. When we hear the word conflict, we may think of it as “problems, arguments, fight, misunderstanding, anger, etc…” But we fail to see the other end of the spectrum. Conflict may also lead to resolution, understanding, reconciliation and most of all, there can be lessons learned. Though as God’s people, we could be unreasonable at times, it is still an opportunity for us to be open-minded and humble, be open to rebuke and have a willingness to correct our mistakes. Conflicts is just one of God’s instruments in order to build in us a new and better character.

SHATTERDAY

As fragile as we are, we are people who have 100% probability of being shattered and broken, in one form or another. Sometimes, we don’t even want to risk for the fear of being broken. But holding back and not taking any risk doesn’t mean we won’t have some sort of brokenness. The only people who won’t are dead people. We can’t deny the fact that no matter how good we think our life may be, our lives are consist of broken pieces that we won’t be able to fix or put back together.

But we shouldn’t forget that God is a God of restoration. He can rebuild what has been torn down and fix what has been broken. Also, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3) Brokenness, no matter in what form, when bring to the Potter’s hand can be turned and be molded into something beautiful. Indeed it may not be the same as it was before, (it will never be) but it will be something valuable.

ONE WEEK (WEAK)

“Seven days WITHOUT GOD makes one WEAK.” True. But certainly, as human beings, we all have weaknesses. And most people have the wrong connotation that Christians are strong people who don’t have any. So please hear me out,  we all do. The only difference that we have is we know who to turn to in times of weakness and distress and we know who is our “source of strength”. We may fail but He won’t. Actually, there were times when God would intentionally allow us to be weak. But it is during those times of weakness that we’ll learn how to depend on God’s grace and not on our own strength. In addition, our weakness can help us avoid the sin of pride. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:1-10,

This boasting will do no good, but I must go on. I will reluctantly tell about visions and revelations from the Lord. I was caught up to the third heaven fourteen years ago. Whether I was in my body or out of my body, I don’t know—only God knows. Yes, only God knows whether I was in my body or outside my body. But I do know that I was caught up to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words, things no human is allowed to tell.

That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message,  even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

A deeper spiritual life is not walking a life free from adversity, but it’s walking with God while we’re in it. God didn’t say that with Him, we will live a perfect, painless, struggle-free and complacent life. In heaven yes, but not here on earth. In reality, with or without God we will surely face sinday, tearsday, mournday, wasteday, thirstday, fightday, shatterday and still have weaknesses. God’s presence is not an indication of adversity’s absence. The difference is in knowing the purpose of our adversity and knowing how to respond to it right. As inevitable as it is, we shouldn’t look at adversity as all-negative. We have to understand that when we are walking with God,  there will be times that we have to risk walking on water despite the storm (like Peter in Matthew 14:22-33), remove our sandals and walk barefoot in the desert (like Moses in Exodus 3:1-6) and be led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tested (like Jesus in Matthew 4:1-11). And unless we step out of our comfort zone and transcend beyond our adversities and conflicts, we won't grow. Adversity can either break us or mold us. To be soft and be able to bend makes us flexible, but to be hard-headed makes us breakable.

Also, I just realized that even those who refuse to walk with God can be good people, experiencing the same amount of happiness, good days and success as those who are walking with God. But no matter what they achieve, no matter how happy they may seem, if they miss God, they miss experiencing true joy and having a sense of purpose in life that only God can give. Every achievement goes in vain. And if God created a void in us that only He could fill, then even if we gain the whole world, we would still feel empty and unsatisfied.

The best journey in the days of our lives is not based on the kind of car that we are riding, but on the One who drives it. Stay in the passenger seat and let God drive. For He did not only invented our car, but He also provides the right road for us to take. He didn’t promise us an easy and comfortable journey, but He guarantees us eternal life.

Unless God Quits, Don't Quit

 I feel so blessed when I sang last weekend and I know that not everybody would understand why it was such a big deal for me.  It wasn’t because some people told me that I sang better, nor was it because of their compliments, but it was the experience itself of being able to sing in a way that I never did before. And I wrote this not to brag about singing, but it’s another testimony of how God worked in my life, even during those times when I thought He wasn’t.

During my younger years, you can make me dance, act or declaim in front of a huge crowd, play sports, or even make me solve complicated math problems, but.. don’t ever make me sing. If there were two talents that I knew I never had, that would be singing and writing.

I had somewhat developed my writing skill when I started reading the bible and had the passion in reading Christian books. I also started journaling, writing about my experiences with God, how He has been changing my life, and His revelations through His words. Also, I learned how to write poems when I’m depressed or I’m in the midst of my overwhelming emotions. I may not be as good as those authors who had written several books, but I know that in a way, my writing skill had improved.

However, in my four years of singing in the church, I knew that my voice hasn’t improved that much. I even lack confidence in singing. Whenever I’m leading praise and worship or I’m a back up singer, or we’re called to do a special number in the church, or we’re invited to sing at other churches, I still feel intimidated knowing that singing isn’t really my gift. Exhortation perhaps – which comforted me at times, thinking that as long as I can encourage people with the message of the song, then I guess I’m still doing good – but not singing. And I keep on asking God, “Why would You let me enter the realm of praise and worship band, if You already knew that singing isn’t my talent? Just teach me how to praise dance. Or much better, just let me sit and enjoy the worship service without the need of doing anything in front. Just don’t make me sing!”

I had attended several workshops about praise and worship and heard several speakers say, “If you know that singing isn’t your gift, then quit. Not everybody is called to sing.” Then, there were times when I would hear people criticize the way I sing and compare me to someone who can sing better than I do. And honestly, I really wanted to quit. There were a lot of times when I just don’t want to stand in front to sing and lead praise and worship. I just wanted to stay in the back pew. “God can still hear me anyways, on or off stage”, I thought. And I keep on asking God, “Why do you still keep me on this mic? You have the power to take this away from me right? So why wouldn’t you? Why push me to do something that I really can’t?”

During the end of spring this year, while I was in the midst of my worries about where my life is really heading – When am I going to find a good-paying, full-time job? Am I going to have a career? Am I going to be able to fulfill my dreams of writing a book? When are we (me and my boyfriend) going to settle down? Am I going to be able to go back to school? When am I going to be able to get my own apartment and pay all my debts? What am I really going to do with my life? – I just had the thought of taking voice lesson near my place. I asked my boyfriend, Jay, to go with me and check two music schools here in Elmhurst. When we went to Musipire, they allowed me to have a trial class in order to help me decide on whether I really wanted to enroll or not. I had a good feeling about the school but I was overwhelmed with the price. I was having a second thought on whether I would go or not and if it’s worth the price or it’s just a waste of money. I don’t even have a full-time job at the moment. It was Jay who really encouraged me to push through with it. He told me that it’s going to be worth it since singing is a skill that I can keep for life. And only God knows how I was able to come up with the tuition fee, but I was able to go. (It’s actually my 10th class this Sunday at Musipire).

Last week, I just had the thought of practicing the song, “Completely” by Ana Laura, with Anju, our keyboardist and do it as our special number. Then Saturday, we tried to do the song but we’re not able to play it well. I don’t know if the song was too high or too low for me. All I know is that I can’t sing it and I was about to give up. But then, during our devotion with Paul Leong, one of our church members, I got this bible verse saying, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10). The last minute, I changed my mind and told Anju that we could try doing the song, “With all I am” by Hillsong. And praise the Lord, with all His grace and mercy, our practice turned out well.

Sunday, Anju and I practiced the song again and Jay told me that he was surprised to hear me sing that way. He didn’t really expect that I would be able to sing that well. Though it comforted me to know that I was able to sing good in our practice, I am still anxious. “What if it doesn’t turn out the way we practiced?” I thought. Then Jay reminded me of the story of Jesus’ first miracle when he turned the water into wine. He read it from Max Lucado’s book, “He still moves stones”.

“If it is important to you, then it is important to God. He won’t put you into shame.” He told me.

“Just close your eyes when you sing. It’s a special number and you’re not leading anyways.” He added.

A few minutes before I get on stage, I sensed as if God was speaking to me (or maybe it’s just me encouraging and talking to myself), “I will let you experience singing the way you never experienced before.” Then, another word came to me. It was from our devotion with Paul the day before, “Don’t think about the outcome, just do it.”

When I got up the stage, I was so nervous and my body was a bit wobbly. I remembered the last time I sang solo four years ago.- I was off key and all I ever wanted that time was to finish the song, “On my Knees” by Jaci Velasquez, and get off the stage. Though some of them were grateful that I sang and appreciated my effort, I can’t deny the fact that I messed up and I felt so embarrassed after I sang. I wanted to bury my head on the ground.–  When I was about to sing, this memory seemed to overwhelm me with fear and anxiety. But then, there’s no turning back for me. I’m already on stage. All I have to do is sing and believe in God’s miracle. Just BELIEVE. Believe that this time, He will help me sing and won’t put me into shame. And He did as He promised.

I wish I could put into words the experience that I had when I was singing that time. I didn’t sing as good as the American Idol winners nor did I sounded like Darlene Zschech, but I knew that I sang different from the way I used to sing before. The only way I can describe it is that, I sang as if the song seems to be coming from the inside out. I felt so light and I didn’t struggle much with my voice. And I literally felt as if God was smiling at me while I was singing. I did close my eyes, as Jay told me to do so, but in the middle when I opened them, I saw at least half of the people with their eyes closed. “Oh my Lord.” I thought.

The joy that I felt when I got off stage was indescribable. And it wasn’t for the fact that I sang well. I know that I still need more improvement. My voice lesson isn’t even over yet. It was the experience that I can’t forget.. the experience of singing for God from the core of my being. And another thing that God had never failed to amaze me with is the fact that, He had always been letting me experience the words of the song that I sing as if they were coming to life.  And this is the chorus of the song that I sang that time.. “♪ Jesus I BELIEVE in You. Jesus I belong to You. You’re the reason that I live, the reason that I sing, WITH ALL I AM. ♫”

I know that my journey isn’t going to end here. And I admit that till now, I still have my fears in singing –What if that’s going to be the first and last time that I’d be able to sing like that? Can I do it again? What if I can’t? Am I going to be embarrassed again the next time? Then I just sensed God spoke to me and told me, “It isn’t your singing that you should worry about, but your attitude. Pride. Haven’t you learned the lesson that I was trying to teach you for these past few years? It’s easier for me to enhance your skill than to build your character.” And I just realized, it only took me 10 lessons (which is 30 minutes/week for 10 weeks) to improve the way I sing, but it’s been years that God has been molding my character. And till now, I can’t even say that I’m halfway to having a really good one.

As human beings, we have the temptation to boast about our success or achievements. If we know that we excel in one aspect of our life, we have the tendency to boast about it and put down people who are below us, thinking that we are better than them.  And at times, we even forget that we owe everything to God.  Without God, we can’t do anything. We may be successful but still feel empty. And if we don’t know His purpose in our lives, all our achievements are nothing but vain. On the other end of the spectrum, we also have the tendency to put ourselves down either because of our inadequacy, timidity, insecurities, or at times, just the longing for other people to get us out of our insecurities. We let our lack of self-esteem hinder God’s calling. We end up doing nothing, not risking anything, for the fear of trying and losing. We doubt ourselves instead of believing that God can do anything through us, as He will. Pride can come either in a form of arrogance or false humility. Either way, God despise both of them.

I can say that I’m glad I wasn’t born a singer. Otherwise, my confidence would come from myself and not from God. And right now, though I still feel inadequate especially in the aspect of singing, I consider it as a blessing. It helps me not to soar too high and to always keep my feet on the ground. It reminds me that singing is a gift from God and not something that I really own. And though I shouldn’t boast about it, I know that it is a gift that I should be grateful for. I shouldn’t take it for granted. Also, I should not be scared of trying to do it again. If ever that time would come that I would fail singing again, it wasn’t a hint for me to quit, but it should fuel me to keep on trying. It’s a push for me to depend on God even more. The only time of quitting is when God calls me to do so. Otherwise, I should keep on walking on water. After all, I already had the courage to face the shame, my inadequacy and insecurities that I had in singing for years, why would I let my fears drown me now? Most of all, God already showed me that with Him, I can go beyond my limitation. If I doubt myself now, then I’m also doubting the things that He can do through me.

For He also said in His word, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

So If discouragements keep us from what God is calling us to do and we feel like giving up, the best thing to do is to.. “DON’T QUIT!” Just do it. Don’t think about the outcome. Faith requires us to be irrational at times. Like what Mother Theresa said, “God didn’t call us to be successful, He has called us to be faithful”.