Unless God Quits, Don't Quit

 I feel so blessed when I sang last weekend and I know that not everybody would understand why it was such a big deal for me.  It wasn’t because some people told me that I sang better, nor was it because of their compliments, but it was the experience itself of being able to sing in a way that I never did before. And I wrote this not to brag about singing, but it’s another testimony of how God worked in my life, even during those times when I thought He wasn’t.

During my younger years, you can make me dance, act or declaim in front of a huge crowd, play sports, or even make me solve complicated math problems, but.. don’t ever make me sing. If there were two talents that I knew I never had, that would be singing and writing.

I had somewhat developed my writing skill when I started reading the bible and had the passion in reading Christian books. I also started journaling, writing about my experiences with God, how He has been changing my life, and His revelations through His words. Also, I learned how to write poems when I’m depressed or I’m in the midst of my overwhelming emotions. I may not be as good as those authors who had written several books, but I know that in a way, my writing skill had improved.

However, in my four years of singing in the church, I knew that my voice hasn’t improved that much. I even lack confidence in singing. Whenever I’m leading praise and worship or I’m a back up singer, or we’re called to do a special number in the church, or we’re invited to sing at other churches, I still feel intimidated knowing that singing isn’t really my gift. Exhortation perhaps – which comforted me at times, thinking that as long as I can encourage people with the message of the song, then I guess I’m still doing good – but not singing. And I keep on asking God, “Why would You let me enter the realm of praise and worship band, if You already knew that singing isn’t my talent? Just teach me how to praise dance. Or much better, just let me sit and enjoy the worship service without the need of doing anything in front. Just don’t make me sing!”

I had attended several workshops about praise and worship and heard several speakers say, “If you know that singing isn’t your gift, then quit. Not everybody is called to sing.” Then, there were times when I would hear people criticize the way I sing and compare me to someone who can sing better than I do. And honestly, I really wanted to quit. There were a lot of times when I just don’t want to stand in front to sing and lead praise and worship. I just wanted to stay in the back pew. “God can still hear me anyways, on or off stage”, I thought. And I keep on asking God, “Why do you still keep me on this mic? You have the power to take this away from me right? So why wouldn’t you? Why push me to do something that I really can’t?”

During the end of spring this year, while I was in the midst of my worries about where my life is really heading – When am I going to find a good-paying, full-time job? Am I going to have a career? Am I going to be able to fulfill my dreams of writing a book? When are we (me and my boyfriend) going to settle down? Am I going to be able to go back to school? When am I going to be able to get my own apartment and pay all my debts? What am I really going to do with my life? – I just had the thought of taking voice lesson near my place. I asked my boyfriend, Jay, to go with me and check two music schools here in Elmhurst. When we went to Musipire, they allowed me to have a trial class in order to help me decide on whether I really wanted to enroll or not. I had a good feeling about the school but I was overwhelmed with the price. I was having a second thought on whether I would go or not and if it’s worth the price or it’s just a waste of money. I don’t even have a full-time job at the moment. It was Jay who really encouraged me to push through with it. He told me that it’s going to be worth it since singing is a skill that I can keep for life. And only God knows how I was able to come up with the tuition fee, but I was able to go. (It’s actually my 10th class this Sunday at Musipire).

Last week, I just had the thought of practicing the song, “Completely” by Ana Laura, with Anju, our keyboardist and do it as our special number. Then Saturday, we tried to do the song but we’re not able to play it well. I don’t know if the song was too high or too low for me. All I know is that I can’t sing it and I was about to give up. But then, during our devotion with Paul Leong, one of our church members, I got this bible verse saying, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10). The last minute, I changed my mind and told Anju that we could try doing the song, “With all I am” by Hillsong. And praise the Lord, with all His grace and mercy, our practice turned out well.

Sunday, Anju and I practiced the song again and Jay told me that he was surprised to hear me sing that way. He didn’t really expect that I would be able to sing that well. Though it comforted me to know that I was able to sing good in our practice, I am still anxious. “What if it doesn’t turn out the way we practiced?” I thought. Then Jay reminded me of the story of Jesus’ first miracle when he turned the water into wine. He read it from Max Lucado’s book, “He still moves stones”.

“If it is important to you, then it is important to God. He won’t put you into shame.” He told me.

“Just close your eyes when you sing. It’s a special number and you’re not leading anyways.” He added.

A few minutes before I get on stage, I sensed as if God was speaking to me (or maybe it’s just me encouraging and talking to myself), “I will let you experience singing the way you never experienced before.” Then, another word came to me. It was from our devotion with Paul the day before, “Don’t think about the outcome, just do it.”

When I got up the stage, I was so nervous and my body was a bit wobbly. I remembered the last time I sang solo four years ago.- I was off key and all I ever wanted that time was to finish the song, “On my Knees” by Jaci Velasquez, and get off the stage. Though some of them were grateful that I sang and appreciated my effort, I can’t deny the fact that I messed up and I felt so embarrassed after I sang. I wanted to bury my head on the ground.–  When I was about to sing, this memory seemed to overwhelm me with fear and anxiety. But then, there’s no turning back for me. I’m already on stage. All I have to do is sing and believe in God’s miracle. Just BELIEVE. Believe that this time, He will help me sing and won’t put me into shame. And He did as He promised.

I wish I could put into words the experience that I had when I was singing that time. I didn’t sing as good as the American Idol winners nor did I sounded like Darlene Zschech, but I knew that I sang different from the way I used to sing before. The only way I can describe it is that, I sang as if the song seems to be coming from the inside out. I felt so light and I didn’t struggle much with my voice. And I literally felt as if God was smiling at me while I was singing. I did close my eyes, as Jay told me to do so, but in the middle when I opened them, I saw at least half of the people with their eyes closed. “Oh my Lord.” I thought.

The joy that I felt when I got off stage was indescribable. And it wasn’t for the fact that I sang well. I know that I still need more improvement. My voice lesson isn’t even over yet. It was the experience that I can’t forget.. the experience of singing for God from the core of my being. And another thing that God had never failed to amaze me with is the fact that, He had always been letting me experience the words of the song that I sing as if they were coming to life.  And this is the chorus of the song that I sang that time.. “♪ Jesus I BELIEVE in You. Jesus I belong to You. You’re the reason that I live, the reason that I sing, WITH ALL I AM. ♫”

I know that my journey isn’t going to end here. And I admit that till now, I still have my fears in singing –What if that’s going to be the first and last time that I’d be able to sing like that? Can I do it again? What if I can’t? Am I going to be embarrassed again the next time? Then I just sensed God spoke to me and told me, “It isn’t your singing that you should worry about, but your attitude. Pride. Haven’t you learned the lesson that I was trying to teach you for these past few years? It’s easier for me to enhance your skill than to build your character.” And I just realized, it only took me 10 lessons (which is 30 minutes/week for 10 weeks) to improve the way I sing, but it’s been years that God has been molding my character. And till now, I can’t even say that I’m halfway to having a really good one.

As human beings, we have the temptation to boast about our success or achievements. If we know that we excel in one aspect of our life, we have the tendency to boast about it and put down people who are below us, thinking that we are better than them.  And at times, we even forget that we owe everything to God.  Without God, we can’t do anything. We may be successful but still feel empty. And if we don’t know His purpose in our lives, all our achievements are nothing but vain. On the other end of the spectrum, we also have the tendency to put ourselves down either because of our inadequacy, timidity, insecurities, or at times, just the longing for other people to get us out of our insecurities. We let our lack of self-esteem hinder God’s calling. We end up doing nothing, not risking anything, for the fear of trying and losing. We doubt ourselves instead of believing that God can do anything through us, as He will. Pride can come either in a form of arrogance or false humility. Either way, God despise both of them.

I can say that I’m glad I wasn’t born a singer. Otherwise, my confidence would come from myself and not from God. And right now, though I still feel inadequate especially in the aspect of singing, I consider it as a blessing. It helps me not to soar too high and to always keep my feet on the ground. It reminds me that singing is a gift from God and not something that I really own. And though I shouldn’t boast about it, I know that it is a gift that I should be grateful for. I shouldn’t take it for granted. Also, I should not be scared of trying to do it again. If ever that time would come that I would fail singing again, it wasn’t a hint for me to quit, but it should fuel me to keep on trying. It’s a push for me to depend on God even more. The only time of quitting is when God calls me to do so. Otherwise, I should keep on walking on water. After all, I already had the courage to face the shame, my inadequacy and insecurities that I had in singing for years, why would I let my fears drown me now? Most of all, God already showed me that with Him, I can go beyond my limitation. If I doubt myself now, then I’m also doubting the things that He can do through me.

For He also said in His word, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

So If discouragements keep us from what God is calling us to do and we feel like giving up, the best thing to do is to.. “DON’T QUIT!” Just do it. Don’t think about the outcome. Faith requires us to be irrational at times. Like what Mother Theresa said, “God didn’t call us to be successful, He has called us to be faithful”. 

Questions in the Midst of my Faith

Walking in this road of life seems so endless and restless. There were times when I just feel so exhausted and I just want to stop walking. I want to stop living but it’s a fact that I can’t stop existing. Life will go on, time will go by and I don’thave a choice but to keep moving forward. Through one of the coldest and darkest nights in my life, I can’t help but wonder what life is about. It’s not that I didn’t know that I have a purpose, because I do believe that God created me for one, but there are certain things in life that confuse me. What’s right from wrong? How things ought to be? What should be done? What are the possibilities to expect and hope for?

I’m not saying that I do not know absolute right from wrong. But there were times in an argument or debates when both parties could make legit reasons and both of them have their point and could be right. And it’s not that I don’t know what I should or should not do. It’s just that where times when I’m really clueless on what’s the right thing to do in a certain situation or the right decision to make. And because I am ironically a realistic person who still believes in miracles, I want to know if there are limitations to the impossibilities that God would allow beyond the realities of life. Despite my growing faith, I have to admit that I'm still clouded by doubts, confusion and questions.

What is Christian life is about? Is it being saved by grace but be questioned for not always doing the right thing? To realize that as Christians, we ought to be Christ-like, but learn that we are still imperfect human beings. Frail. Capable of failing and breaking one’s trust. If that’s the case, should imperfection stop me from trusting people then? Or should anyone even learn how to trust at all? Should I even hate myself for being and imperfect, untrustworthy human being? Is Christianity even about perfection? Or is it believing and understanding that being saved by grace means perfection can never be beyond one’s reach? Isn’t that the reason why God sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for us? He saved us because we cannot save ourselves from our sinful nature. But if that’s the case, should we stop being good and continue to sin then? How about the verse that says, “Faith without action is dead.” And isn’t the question “should we continue living in sin?” been answered, “NO” by Paul in his letters several times? But why even state that even he, himself is struggling with his sinful nature in Romans 7:14-25? And how about the verse that says, “All things have passed away, behold all things are new,” but find ourselves still struggling with the things that we had expected to be delivered from? Should we really be condemned and judged despite the fact that growing, changing and bearing fruit is a process that we need to go through, hoped for and wait upon? What is Christian life all about?

What  is God’s will all about? How do we know His will? How could we truly hear His voice? How do we discern we really hear God’s voice or we’re merely fooling ourselves? If God says, His sheep knows His voice, should I always believe every leading that I see then? If faith requires action despite doubts, am I not supposed to feel uncertain? And if God close doors no one can shut and shut doors no one can open, are all good opportunities from God? Why do we still fail to align to His will then? Is this life really one’s choice? Or is it about God’s will? And if God allows failure for a purpose, should we blame ourselves for failing then?

And how about Love? What is love all about? What makes love unconditional? Why say someone is not deserving of your love if love is unconditional? Aren’t we supposed to love those people who deserves it the least? What does it mean to truly love someone anyway?  But what is sharing God’s love all about? Is love and forgiveness all about tolerance? Or is it about respect and discipline? And how can love be a commitment if love is also letting go and setting free?

You may find me weird for asking these questions or think that I don’t understand my faith, though some of you might find yourselves asking the same questions that I do. But, it’s a fact that no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try to be faithful and trust God, my limited knowledge could never answer all questions nor solve all mysteries about life. Neither can I fully understand God and His ways. Though I may not fully understand all there is about life and God, I do however, know that God is all that I need to survive in this life. He is the only reason for my existence and living. He may be beyond my touch, my grasp but I know that He is real and He is alive.

 Needless to say, my life can never be perfect just because I am a Christian. I will continue to struggle. But that wouldn’t stop me from living my life. I may be exhausted but I haven’t stopped walking.. and running.. and enduring.. till I reach my destination. I will never stop hoping that there’ll come a day when all my doubts and my questions together with my fears, anxieties, burdens, pains, confusions and even my imperfections will fade. Everything else may fail, but not God. There may be times when I all I ever wanted to do was to stop and cry my heart out. But my lamentation isn’t merely a complaint to show lack of faith but also a form of worship to express my total dependence on God. At times, He may be silent but that doesn’t mean He quit. And though I can’t help myself from longing and yearning for Him to finally take me home, I won’t stop living one day at a time. Time and life is like a coin, only to be spend once.. why waste it?

Indeed life is full of pain, tragedy, lies, conflicts, problems and suffering. But, I do believe that God has a purpose for everything. And like Jonah in the bible, He can even allow you to get away from Him and go your own way, which is directly opposite to the road that He had prepared for You. But even there, great lessons can be learned. And no matter how stubborn we may be, like the prodigal son, God is always ready to accept us and to run towards us once we finally decided to back home. And it is true that not all good opportunities come from God. But it is still our choice what to accept or reject. At times, we may fail. Still, failures surrendered to God can be turned upside down. I have stopped seeking for perfection and true satisfaction in this life for I know that I’ll never find it. For who could ever be satisfied in this life if one is created for eternity? Instead, I’ve learned how to love and embrace life’s beauty along with its flaw.  Nevertheless, it’s been my catalyst to live for eternity.

Lastly, Loving without getting hurt is impossible. And when love is betrayed, when love is violated, when trust has been broken… it is hard to trust again, to believe again and to love again. But even if it’s hard, I won’t keep myself from experiencing love and from trusting again. For what teaches me to truly love and made me feel loved and accepted is the fact that I’ve experienced hatred, being hated and being rejected. And though loving without getting hurt is impossible, love in itself is not pain. Love is beautiful and wonderful. God is even equated with love. Though love may reveal layers and layers of a person’s flaw, it could also bring out one’s best. Most of all, I believe that love doesn’t fail you, people do.