Walking in this
road of life seems so endless and restless. There were times when I just feel
so exhausted and I just want to stop walking. I want to stop living but it’s a
fact that I can’t stop existing. Life will go on, time will go by and I
don’thave a choice but to keep moving forward. Through one of the coldest and
darkest nights in my life, I can’t help but wonder what life is about. It’s not
that I didn’t know that I have a purpose, because I do believe that God created
me for one, but there are certain things in life that confuse me. What’s
right from wrong? How things ought to be? What should be done? What are the
possibilities to expect and hope for?
I’m not saying
that I do not know absolute right from wrong. But there were times in an
argument or debates when both parties could make legit reasons and both of them
have their point and could be right. And it’s not that I don’t know what I
should or should not do. It’s just that where times when I’m really clueless on
what’s the right thing to do in a certain situation or the right decision to
make. And because I am ironically a realistic person who still believes in
miracles, I want to know if there are limitations to the impossibilities that
God would allow beyond the realities of life. Despite my growing faith, I have
to admit that I'm still clouded by doubts, confusion and questions.
What is Christian
life is about? Is it being saved by grace but be questioned for not always
doing the right thing? To realize that as Christians, we ought to be Christ-like,
but learn that we are still imperfect human beings. Frail. Capable of failing
and breaking one’s trust. If that’s the case, should imperfection stop me from trusting
people then? Or should anyone even learn how to trust at all? Should I even hate
myself for being and imperfect, untrustworthy human being? Is Christianity even
about perfection? Or is it believing and understanding that being saved by
grace means perfection can never be beyond one’s reach? Isn’t that the reason why
God sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for us? He saved us because
we cannot save ourselves from our sinful nature. But if that’s the case, should
we stop being good and continue to sin then? How about the verse that says,
“Faith without action is dead.” And isn’t the question “should we continue
living in sin?” been answered, “NO” by Paul in his letters several times? But
why even state that even he, himself is struggling with his sinful nature in
Romans 7:14-25? And how about the verse that says, “All things have passed away,
behold all things are new,” but find ourselves still struggling with the things
that we had expected to be delivered from? Should we really be condemned and
judged despite the fact that growing, changing and bearing fruit is a process
that we need to go through, hoped for and wait upon? What is Christian life all
about?
What is God’s will all about? How do we know His
will? How could we truly hear His voice? How do we discern we really hear God’s
voice or we’re merely fooling ourselves? If God says, His sheep knows His
voice, should I always believe every leading that I see then? If faith requires
action despite doubts, am I not supposed to feel uncertain? And if God close
doors no one can shut and shut doors no one can open, are all good opportunities
from God? Why do we still fail to align to His will then? Is this life really one’s
choice? Or is it about God’s will? And if God allows failure for a purpose, should
we blame ourselves for failing then?
And how about Love?
What is love all about? What makes love unconditional? Why say someone is not
deserving of your love if love is unconditional? Aren’t we supposed to love
those people who deserves it the least? What does it mean to truly love someone
anyway? But what is sharing God’s love
all about? Is love and forgiveness all about tolerance? Or is it about respect
and discipline? And how can love be a commitment if love is also letting go and
setting free?
You may find me
weird for asking these questions or think that I don’t understand my faith,
though some of you might find yourselves asking the same questions that I do. But,
it’s a fact that no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try to be
faithful and trust God, my limited knowledge could never answer all questions
nor solve all mysteries about life. Neither can I fully understand God and His
ways. Though I may not fully understand all there is about life and God, I do
however, know that God is all that I need to survive in this life. He is the
only reason for my existence and living. He may be beyond my touch, my grasp
but I know that He is real and He is alive.
Needless to say, my life can never be perfect
just because I am a Christian. I will continue to struggle. But that wouldn’t
stop me from living my life. I may be exhausted but I haven’t stopped walking..
and running.. and enduring.. till I reach my destination. I will never stop hoping
that there’ll come a day when all my doubts and my questions together with my
fears, anxieties, burdens, pains, confusions and even my imperfections will
fade. Everything else may fail, but not God. There may be times when I all I
ever wanted to do was to stop and cry my heart out. But my lamentation isn’t
merely a complaint to show lack of faith but also a form of worship to express
my total dependence on God. At times, He may be silent but that doesn’t mean He
quit. And though I can’t help myself from longing and yearning for Him to
finally take me home, I won’t stop living one day at a time. Time and life is
like a coin, only to be spend once.. why waste it?
Indeed life is
full of pain, tragedy, lies, conflicts, problems and suffering. But, I do
believe that God has a purpose for everything. And like Jonah in the bible, He
can even allow you to get away from Him and go your own way, which is directly
opposite to the road that He had prepared for You. But even there, great
lessons can be learned. And no matter how stubborn we may be, like the prodigal
son, God is always ready to accept us and to run towards us once we finally
decided to back home. And it is true that not all good opportunities come from
God. But it is still our choice what to accept or reject. At times, we may
fail. Still, failures surrendered to God can be turned upside down. I have
stopped seeking for perfection and true satisfaction in this life for I know
that I’ll never find it. For who could ever be satisfied in this life if one is
created for eternity? Instead, I’ve learned how to love and embrace life’s
beauty along with its flaw.
Nevertheless, it’s been my catalyst to live for eternity.
Lastly, Loving without
getting hurt is impossible. And when love is betrayed, when love is violated,
when trust has been broken… it is hard to trust again, to believe again and to
love again. But even if it’s hard, I won’t keep myself from experiencing love and
from trusting again. For what teaches me to truly love and made me feel loved
and accepted is the fact that I’ve experienced hatred, being hated and being rejected.
And though loving without getting hurt is impossible, love in itself is not
pain. Love is beautiful and wonderful. God is even equated with love. Though
love may reveal layers and layers of a person’s flaw, it could also bring out
one’s best. Most of all, I believe that love doesn’t fail you, people do.
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