The Irony of Being an Unlovable Christian Living with a Loving Christ

I read these first two sentences - I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ - of Mahatma Gandhi’s original quote, “I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. The materialism of affluent Christian countries appears to contradict the claims of Jesus Christ that says it's not possible to worship both Mammon and God at the same time.” I believe that Gandhi has his own reasons and there is a history as to why he said these lines. I am not against him.  I actually respect him and the way he perceives life. The only thing that I’m against with is the way people use this quote against Christians without knowing the real context as to why this quote was written several years ago. And I am writing this not for Gandhi but for people who are so quick to judge Christianity.

I’ve been raised up in a Roman Catholic home and became a born-again Christian when I was 23. The experience that I had during my first few months of my Christian life was unexplainably wonderful. It was amazing that I could impossibly doubt that God is real.  I could compare the experience to the initial romantic stage of falling in love. I feel like I could do and take anything because God is with me. But just like romance, the initial feeling of “Christian high” went off.  My flaws surface and my eyes were open up to the reality that life is not easy and perfect. And it never was. But though life has always been hard for me, whether I was a Christian or not, I can’t say that I didn’t encounter any difference when I met Christ. I still have my flaws, but I can’t say that I haven’t changed at all.

And for these past years of my Christian life, I discovered that most people are quick to assume that just because Christians don’t always act right, then atheism or other religious beliefs are better than Christianity. But I guess it’s due to their ignorance about Christianity. Though goodness is one of the goals of Christians, Christianity isn’t “merely about trying to be good”. Christianity is “also” about accepting Christ, His salvation, resurrection and eternal life. Christianity isn’t a category of religion where good and perfect people thrive. Christianity is a relationship between God and His people, with Christ bridging the gap between them.

 

Christians are not flawless and holy people. They are actually sinners only saved by God’s grace. They are ordinary, fragile people called by God from their weaknesses, vulnerability, and brokenness. Indeed they are broken people... broken people “being made whole” through Christ. And that is a process that one has to go through. And though Christians claim that God has transforming power through Christ, God is not like Cinderella’s fairy godmother who will instantly transform broken people into flawless human beings with one wave from a magic wand. Indeed people's lives will change once they encounter God. They don't need to face life alone anymore and they are finally starting to walk their lives with God. But God could only mold a person’s character by allowing him to go through certain circumstances, trials and difficulties in life. It's like gold being refined through fire. However change isn't a blind process. It will require a person's constand and conscious effort and a sense of openness.

I can compare this to a person who's training to leaarn Wing Tsun. First he must unlearn his natural reflex. He can attain this by constantly doing certain exercises. Thus, these exercises will prepare and recondition his body to learn a new reflex. As the person continue to practice them daily, such movements will eventually become his body's natural and automatic reflex.  But this too, takes TIME.

 Another reason why people seemed to be too quick to judge Christianity is the fact that they had built their own norms, standards, and expectations of what a Christian’s image is supposed to look like. After all, all Christians are ought to be Christ like. They are expected first of all to be nice, soft-spoken, tolerating (which Christians could be misunderstood as being impatient if they’re to do otherwise), no temper (they’ll never get mad), emotionless (they’ll never cry), strong (they can’t be weak since they claim that their God is strong) and most of all, “perfect” (they’re not supposed to make a mistake). But they’re not aware with the fact that Christ isn’t nice, He is kind for He spoke the truth in love. He is gracious but He never compromised with the Pharisees. He didn’t sin, but he got mad. He fed a thousand people but He, Himself, became hungry and thirsty. He is strong, but He wept. He surrendered to God’s will but He expressed His agony in Gethsemane. You see, the difference is that Christ, in His humanity, never sinned and He was perfect. And again, that’s the very reason as to why He came to save the world, because humans aren’t.

Due to such expectations and norms among Christians, it’s easier to put pressure on Christians if they did something wrong than if unbelievers would. After all, unbelievers could easily justify themselves since they “don’t know Christ”. It’s more rational and easier for people to understand that terrorist – with no or little sense of awareness that killing is wrong – kill because they were brainwashed and were trained to kill since they were young than to understand as to why Pastor’s children were one of the most rebellious children, since they grew up in an environment where Christian values are supposed to be taught. I even heard several times that atheists (or other people with religious beliefs other than Christianity) are actually better people than Christians. If the comparison is amongst a certain person or group of people, that could be possibly right. But in general, that isn’t a fact. Though not all Christians are better than atheist, not all atheists are better than Christians either. To put that in the idea of the “expected norms” upon Christians, it’s just easier to appreciate the good deeds of an atheist since they are expected to act otherwise, and it’s easier to notice the flaws of a Christian since they are expected to be good. But if you were to spend your whole lifetime with the both of them, whether they’re Christian, atheist or Buddhist, it’s almost impossible for their flaws not to surface, as well as their good traits. You can’t always assume that one’s attitude is always better than the other based on their beliefs or if they don’t believe in God at all. If Christianity won’t make a person flawless, what makes you think that atheism or other religions would?

 As I read my psychology book, I learned that there are several things that make up the personality and traits of a certain person. And that’s when I realized that Christianity itself is not to be blamed on why certain Christians act or react the way they do. If one could actually perceive the real essence of what the Christian teaching is all about, it actually teaches the wisest lessons there is to learn in life. And just because Christians can’t always seem to follow and apply those teachings “all the time”, it is wrong to assume that Christianity itself is a “bad religion”. Christians are just in the process of learning each one of them. The truth is, Christianity has one of the highest standards when it comes to “goodness and righteousness” and has one of the richest and wisest teachings that they often needed God’s wisdom in order to have the right perspective. And I guess that’s the reason why Christians often fail in following everything. And honestly, it’s almost impossible to learn all of God’s word in one day.

Sad to say, even Christians put the same pressure and expectations on themselves. As a result, instead of keeping their testimonies, they tend to put up with their good image or reputation. And since for some, problems and conflicts were almost treated as something inappropriate for a Christian’s life, some Christians hide beneath the mask of a happy face. They portray the Christian life as always happy, successful, problem and conflict free all the time. They don’t even want to risk for the fear of making mistakes. They became man-pleasers instead of standing up for Christ. Instead of introducing the righteousness of Christ, they introduce their own. Also, they missed the point that the Christian life is about growing in Christ and even condemn or judge their fellow Christians. And if Christians were to be condemned for their God-given testimonies, then people don’t really understand why people testify. Christians give testimonies to share what God has done in their lives or how God saved them from their wretched life or how God has helped them make it through the day and not to put up a superficial show that they are living a perfect life. Not all Christians are apathetic as some people may think. Actually, their ultimate goal is to share Christ with the same broken people as they are or had been. And though you can judge a tree by its fruit, you can't always judge a plant not to grow to a good and fruitful tree while it's still in its growing process.

And it’s true Christians are unlike Christ because Christ Himself is perfect. God knows that. I guess that's the exact same reason why He sent His Son, Jesus Christ to the world. Christ came to save humanity from their frailty and not to be a figure that should be compared with them. Christians are so unlike Christ but whether you believe it or not, they are struggling in their everyday life just to be like Him because Christ has called them to do so. And for as long as they live, there’s no guarantee that Christians, in this earthly life, could imitate Christ exactly as He is. But Christians are guaranteed that they will be with Christ in eternity. And the beauty in the Christian faith is the fact that they have Christ to look up to. Unlike other people who put all their faith in prone to failure human beings, Christians have a Christ who will never fail them. And I guess that’s the reason why some people are quick to judge Christianity based on Christians. They don’t see or believe a non-tangible but real Christ, only tangible and real people. Instead of looking up to God, they look up to people. Because of this (add the fact that some Christians just won't stop their masquerades) some people have this tendency to put people on a pedestal. And once their expectations from Christians aren’t met, they have the tendency to withdraw from God. It’s easier for them to blame the God of Christians on why He created such frail humanity instead of trying to understand and accept the paradox of God giving humans their free will while He is still in control of everything. However, I understand the fact that people are only looking for some sort of wholeness in their brokenness and some sort of fulfillment in their empty lives. They do need tangible people to prove to them that their religion can help them do so. You can expect to have such healing and fulfillment from Christianity but that reward will come from God, not from Christians themselves.

I don’t mean to say that Christians should be justified for sinning or for not doing the right thing and Christians should stop doing good and that it is useless to do so. Christians should actually strive to be like Christ and learn to own their mistakes and pay for the “consequences” of their sins as much as other people should. I’m just saying that people, should at least give Christians a room for failure and not judge Christianity or use Christianity to judge just because some Christians don’t always meet their expectations. It’s like judging and stereotyping a whole community just because one or some of them committed a crime.

Truth is, whether you’re a believer of Christ or not, it’s not always easy to resist temptation and do the right thing. It’s easier to seek and lure oneself into pleasure than to step out of one’s comfort zone. And people tend to choose the easier way. They’d rather seek worldly pleasure than have some sort of awareness and deal with the pressures in living the Christian life. And judging Christians for their mistakes is the best excuse for some people to continue living with their fleshly life than to start walking their lives with God.

Solomon is one of the wisest kings that had ever lived. And through the wisdom that God gave him, he was able to write a lot of proverbs that are good for living one’s daily life. But in Ecclesiastes, Solomon expressed how and why he perceived life as meaningless. And in Ecclesiastes 1:18 he stated that, “The greater my wisdom, the greater my grief, to increase knowledge only increases sorrow.” But in Ecclesiastes 2:1-17, he also explained why wisdom is better than folly.

 I said to myself, “Come on, let’s try pleasure. Let’s look for the ‘good things’ in life.” But I found that this, too, was meaningless. So I said, “Laughter is silly. What good does it do to seek pleasure?” After much thought, I decided to cheer myself with wine. And while still seeking wisdom, I clutched at foolishness. In this way, I tried to experience the only happiness most people find during their brief life in this world.

 I also tried to find meaning by building huge homes for myself and by planting beautiful vineyards. I made gardens and parks, filling them with all kinds of fruit trees. I built reservoirs to collect the water to irrigate my many flourishing groves. I bought slaves, both men and women, and others were born into my household. I also owned large herds and flocks, more than any of the kings who had lived in Jerusalem before me. I collected great sums of silver and gold, the treasure of many kings and provinces. I hired wonderful singers, both men and women, and had many beautiful concubines. I had everything a man could desire!

 So I became greater than all who had lived in Jerusalem before me, and my wisdom never failed me. Anything I wanted, I would take. I denied myself no pleasure. I even found great pleasure in hard work, a reward for all my labors. But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.

The Wise and the Foolish

So I decided to compare wisdom with foolishness and madness (for who can do this better than I, the king? I thought, “Wisdom is better than foolishness, just as light is better than darkness. For the wise can see where they are going, but fools walk in the dark.”Yet I saw that the wise and the foolish share the same fate. Both will die. So I said to myself, “Since I will end up the same as the fool, what’s the value of all my wisdom? This is all so meaningless!” For the wise and the foolish both die. The wise will not be remembered any longer than the fool. In the days to come, both will be forgotten.

So I came to hate life because everything done here under the sun is so troubling. Everything is meaningless—like chasing the wind.”

For me, living the Christian life is hard but I can’t say that my unbelieving life was better. Maybe it was fun and pleasurable but it was never better. It was empty, superficial and my happiness was shallow. I have no sense of direction, no purpose and no life. And I admit that there were quite a few times in my life where I doubted Christianity due to certain, judgmental people. But now, I only see them as a challenge and my fuel to keep on moving forward towards the goal that Christ has set for me.

And why did I choose to accept Christ? I choose to be a Christian not because Christian people are the best, flawless people I’ve ever met. I choose to be a Christian because their God, who is holy and righteous, is a loving, forgiving and compassionate God. I do have conflicts with some of my fellow Christians but they do inspire me to gain new perspectives about life and to gain wisdom by allowing me to experience the difficulties of life through them. Some of them may be judgmental as they are, but I still consider those who are allowing God to work in and through their lives. Some of them might even hate me, but I don’t see Christians as haters in general. I know and appreciate those loving Christians who actually helped me get through when I was about to give up with my life. They’re not perfect but I do thank God for them.

And though in my Christian faith I am aware of the fact that I’m still a flawless person, I know that Christ already saved me from my sins even before I was born. I may be judged because of my past, my failures, or simply because people want to judge me, but I have Christ to lift me up from them. I make mistakes but I learn from them. And though I don’t deal with all my problems perfectly, God had always been giving me the strength to face and confront them instead of escaping them through worldly pleasures. And just because I am not perfect, it doesn’t mean that my faith is dead, I am simply struggling with my life. And I choose to struggle with my Christian life because I discovered that eternal life is better than this temporary, earthly and “meaningless” life. And living through my earthly life with a sense of awareness and with God’s presence is better than walking blindly in the darkness without Him. It’s always best to have a God who can give me a better perspective about my adversity, whom I can place my trust to when things go wrong, and who can give me hope when my situations are hopeless. Most of all, no matter how unlovable I may be and no matter how much other people would hate me, I have a loving Christ who loves me

Weakness Despite of Strength. Hope against Despair.

“An Achilles’ heel is a deadly weakness in spite of overall strength, that can actually or potentially lead to downfall.” (wikipedia)

Have you found your achilles’ heel? I found mine. Once you hit this certain part of me, you’ll see me fall down no matter how strong I am. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of Greek mythology. I only have one God in three persons whom I believe in.. God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. But whether Achilles did exist or not, I could relate to his defeat. Achilles in his invulnerability, had this one spot of vulnerability. And so am I. After experiencing victory, the enemy just found the right spot to hit me.. a spot that could possibly bring me to my downfall. In my humanity, no matter how strong I may be, I know that I am still vulnerable. And once you caught me off-guard, you’ll find me hiding inside my shell. I know that most people can relate to me. No matter how strong a person my seem to be, at some point in their life, there would still be certain things that can make them weak and cause them to fall.

Right now, my spirit is still crushed and my heart is broken. I still haven’t gotten my strength to get back up again. I found myself crying in despair in this dark room. I can’t even make a single step to get out of it. After stepping in obedience, I found myself asking God what else could have I done wrong to be in this place. I’m wandering inside my soul trying search where I had missed the mark again. What is it this time? Why did He allow the enemy to hit me on my heel if He knows I will be defeated? What else am I supposed to do? How long should I stay in this dark room of my overwhelming emotions? Am I lost again? Did I make a wrong turn when I was trying to walk in obedience to His voice?

But with all these questions and struggles that I have, who told you I already lose hope? I may be one of the people who would ask a lot of questions in the midst of my faith, lament whenever I’m confused, mourn whenever I’m hurt, but never will I lose hope. Despite all the confusions that I have in my chaotic mind, I still have God’s word running through my head, haunting me day and night..

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young man stumble and fall. But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:30-31

The only difference between me and Achilles is that after he got hit in his heel, he died.. but I didn’t. I’m still alive and I still have the life of Christ living within me. I’m still hoping for God to give me the strength to stand from this fall and shield the fiery arrows from hitting my heel. Yes, I am crushed in spirit and my heart is broken but.. “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)

And yes, this is the way I lament before my God. I cry out, I complain, I have my tantrums, but never will I doubt that God will save me from my circumstances. And just because I cry my heart out, it doesn’t mean that I am mad at God or I would live in rebellion against Him. I can never do that. I’ve experienced trying to turn my back away from Him before by sinning and it was one of the worst place I’ve ever been. I know that in times of trouble, God is the only one who could help me, so why rebel against Him? And though I know He won’t always take me out of my circumstances, I’m sure that He’ll be with me in and through it. And as His child, I know He knows me.. He knows how I cry my heart out.. He knows how I complain.. He knows how I talk to myself when I feel down.. He knows my flaws.. my strengths.. my weaknesses.. He knows me and I know He loves me for who I am.

I am still in the dark, but I have His light shining inside me. And I know that darkness can never extinguished His light. I know I’ll soon discover His treasures hidden in the darkness. I know He’s trying to reveal something that I could only discover in the dark corners of my life. So for now, just let me cry my heart out. In time I know His strength will be made perfect in my weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9).

And despite all these lamentations and hardship, I thank God for giving me an achilles’ heel to remind me that I’m still in my humanity, and apart from Him, I can do nothing. He’s my only source of strength. And now He just reminded me that, “..when I’m weak, He is strong”. (2 Corinthians 12:10)

One Week

Please don’t get me wrong, I love this quote and I do appreciate the message that it gives. But I felt the urge to write a different perspective about it.

Yes, it’s true that without God, we’ll have those days. But even if God is with me, I could be certain that I would still sin (sinday), mourn (mournday) and cry (tearsday), there will be days when I would feel wasted (wasteday), times when I would thirst (thirstday), days when I would be involved in a fight (fightday), times when my heart would be shattered (shatterday) and a week when I would feel weak. Whether you are a believer of Christ or not, you are vulnerable to have such imperfect days. And not just you.. even me.. all of.. even those who claim to be strong Christians. However, I realized that it was during these times and days of the week - from sinday to shatterday - when I was weak, that I've seen and experienced God in a different way. It wasn't easy but it's worth it. And right now, my goal is not simply having a “good and perfect day”, but having a deeper relationship with God.

SINDAY

Even with a perfect God, as an imperfect human being – with flaws and weaknesses – whose living an imperfect life in an imperfect world, I know for a certain that there would be those days when I would sin (everyday to be exact). Until that day when God would finally get me out of this fleshly body, no matter how hard I try, I would still sin. But what is more important for me is the fact that I am a sinner saved by God’s grace. Like what I always say, if God knew that I could be perfect on my own - be without blemish or even a spot of sin - then there wouldn’t be a need for Him to send His Son to die on the cross for me. Why go through all those suffering for nothing? And if I wouldn’t admit that I am a sinner, then there is no right for me to say that I am a Christian either. What do I need Christ, as my Savior for if I can save myself from my sins? Though I am not saying that we should deliberately sin for the sake of it (because although we can never attain perfection, we still need to struggle to stop sinning), I could say that it is when I realized how sinner I have been that I was able to truly see and experience God’s amazing grace. The good thing about being a Christian though is the fact that I don’t need to change on my own. I know that God will continue to change me and renew my mind every single day, until I became the person that He intended me to be.

MOURNDAY AND TEARSDAY

I put these two “days” together for I believe that they could go in the same category. When we mourn, most likely, we’ll cry, and sometimes, we cry because we are mourning - though some people may have the power to conceal their tears when they mourn and there could be other reasons why we are weeping besides mourning.

There are two love letters from God that I received for these two “days”.

"Dear Mournday,

I know that it won’t be easy for you but please do remember that you are blessed.

'Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted.' (Matthew 5:4) Remember that I am a God of comfort and in me you can take refuge."

"Dear Tearsday,

I know that your face maybe flooded with tears but don’t forget,

'I have kept track of all your sorrows, I have collected your tears in a bottle. I have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8)'

I value you and your tears. They won’t come in vain. Remember that I have deeper purpose for your pain and I will be with you as you go through with it."

We should also realize the fact that there are things that we can only learn when we are in pain. Pain can make us wise if we can respond to it wisely. A painless life can actually make us dumb.

WASTEDAY

I know that there’d be days that I may feel wasted or there may be times that I may feel like I wasted my day. But God is a God who recycles. Also He said it in His word, “All of us must die eventually. Our lives are like water spilled out on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. But God does not just sweep life away; instead, he devises ways to bring us back when we have been separated from him.” (2 Samuel 14:14)

Life has no room for regrets, only lesson to be learned. But I am certain that there is never a wasted life, if one will only learn how to surrender it to God. God has a purpose for everything. If we’ll trust in Him, we could be certain that He can still use what seems to be a wasted day or a wasted life for His glory. Remember, good fertilizers that brought about wonderful flowers are actually “wastes”.

THIRSTDAY

“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. (John 7:37-38)

There’s actually a good thing about being thirsty. Pastor Timothy Pantoja, in one of his sermon said, that it is during those times that we are hungry that all food seems to taste good, and those times when we are really thirsty that we actually savor drinking water.

In life, it is during those times when we thirst that we could actually appreciate the living water that God offers. During our good days, we have to admit that there were times when we (intentional or unintentional) take God for granted. But it’s when we realize our need for Him that we actually seek Him, and learn that without Him, we can do nothing.

FIGHTDAY

Most people believe that Christians are doormat who doesn’t know how to fight back.. always meek, always gentle and most of all, always tolerating. But that’s a lie. Christians actually know how to fight back, when to fight back, who to fight, what are they fighting for, know how to stand on their ground, and most of all, when to retreat and go to God as their hiding place. And like what Pastor Armando Pantoja said, Christian life is not about “tolerance”.  A wise Christian won’t tolerate people without disciplining, correcting or rebuking them (which could actually cause them to be involved in an argument or fight).

In another context, we are in a constant battle and surely we have to fight. Do you know that some of God’s people in the Old testament are actually warriors? Not to discourage anybody but it’s a fact that even God’s people actually kill and murder in the Old testament. However, in Christ, God didn’t literally expect us to kill for His Name sake but God had called us to be His warriors in the spiritual realm, not leaving us defenseless, but providing us with the right armor that we need.

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

(And another weapon that God had provided is in this one word.. “prayer”.)

 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.”

Ephesians 6:10-18

Although I would admit that as imperfect people with differences, Christians could also be unreasonable and fight for the wrong reasons. Conflicts may still arise in their midst together with their prides. In one of the seminars that I have attended, the word “conflict” always has a negative connotation. When we hear the word conflict, we may think of it as “problems, arguments, fight, misunderstanding, anger, etc…” But we fail to see the other end of the spectrum. Conflict may also lead to resolution, understanding, reconciliation and most of all, there can be lessons learned. Though as God’s people, we could be unreasonable at times, it is still an opportunity for us to be open-minded and humble, be open to rebuke and have a willingness to correct our mistakes. Conflicts is just one of God’s instruments in order to build in us a new and better character.

SHATTERDAY

As fragile as we are, we are people who have 100% probability of being shattered and broken, in one form or another. Sometimes, we don’t even want to risk for the fear of being broken. But holding back and not taking any risk doesn’t mean we won’t have some sort of brokenness. The only people who won’t are dead people. We can’t deny the fact that no matter how good we think our life may be, our lives are consist of broken pieces that we won’t be able to fix or put back together.

But we shouldn’t forget that God is a God of restoration. He can rebuild what has been torn down and fix what has been broken. Also, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3) Brokenness, no matter in what form, when bring to the Potter’s hand can be turned and be molded into something beautiful. Indeed it may not be the same as it was before, (it will never be) but it will be something valuable.

ONE WEEK (WEAK)

“Seven days WITHOUT GOD makes one WEAK.” True. But certainly, as human beings, we all have weaknesses. And most people have the wrong connotation that Christians are strong people who don’t have any. So please hear me out,  we all do. The only difference that we have is we know who to turn to in times of weakness and distress and we know who is our “source of strength”. We may fail but He won’t. Actually, there were times when God would intentionally allow us to be weak. But it is during those times of weakness that we’ll learn how to depend on God’s grace and not on our own strength. In addition, our weakness can help us avoid the sin of pride. As Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:1-10,

This boasting will do no good, but I must go on. I will reluctantly tell about visions and revelations from the Lord. I was caught up to the third heaven fourteen years ago. Whether I was in my body or out of my body, I don’t know—only God knows. Yes, only God knows whether I was in my body or outside my body. But I do know that I was caught up to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words, things no human is allowed to tell.

That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message,  even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.  Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.  That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

A deeper spiritual life is not walking a life free from adversity, but it’s walking with God while we’re in it. God didn’t say that with Him, we will live a perfect, painless, struggle-free and complacent life. In heaven yes, but not here on earth. In reality, with or without God we will surely face sinday, tearsday, mournday, wasteday, thirstday, fightday, shatterday and still have weaknesses. God’s presence is not an indication of adversity’s absence. The difference is in knowing the purpose of our adversity and knowing how to respond to it right. As inevitable as it is, we shouldn’t look at adversity as all-negative. We have to understand that when we are walking with God,  there will be times that we have to risk walking on water despite the storm (like Peter in Matthew 14:22-33), remove our sandals and walk barefoot in the desert (like Moses in Exodus 3:1-6) and be led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tested (like Jesus in Matthew 4:1-11). And unless we step out of our comfort zone and transcend beyond our adversities and conflicts, we won't grow. Adversity can either break us or mold us. To be soft and be able to bend makes us flexible, but to be hard-headed makes us breakable.

Also, I just realized that even those who refuse to walk with God can be good people, experiencing the same amount of happiness, good days and success as those who are walking with God. But no matter what they achieve, no matter how happy they may seem, if they miss God, they miss experiencing true joy and having a sense of purpose in life that only God can give. Every achievement goes in vain. And if God created a void in us that only He could fill, then even if we gain the whole world, we would still feel empty and unsatisfied.

The best journey in the days of our lives is not based on the kind of car that we are riding, but on the One who drives it. Stay in the passenger seat and let God drive. For He did not only invented our car, but He also provides the right road for us to take. He didn’t promise us an easy and comfortable journey, but He guarantees us eternal life.

Unless God Quits, Don't Quit

 I feel so blessed when I sang last weekend and I know that not everybody would understand why it was such a big deal for me.  It wasn’t because some people told me that I sang better, nor was it because of their compliments, but it was the experience itself of being able to sing in a way that I never did before. And I wrote this not to brag about singing, but it’s another testimony of how God worked in my life, even during those times when I thought He wasn’t.

During my younger years, you can make me dance, act or declaim in front of a huge crowd, play sports, or even make me solve complicated math problems, but.. don’t ever make me sing. If there were two talents that I knew I never had, that would be singing and writing.

I had somewhat developed my writing skill when I started reading the bible and had the passion in reading Christian books. I also started journaling, writing about my experiences with God, how He has been changing my life, and His revelations through His words. Also, I learned how to write poems when I’m depressed or I’m in the midst of my overwhelming emotions. I may not be as good as those authors who had written several books, but I know that in a way, my writing skill had improved.

However, in my four years of singing in the church, I knew that my voice hasn’t improved that much. I even lack confidence in singing. Whenever I’m leading praise and worship or I’m a back up singer, or we’re called to do a special number in the church, or we’re invited to sing at other churches, I still feel intimidated knowing that singing isn’t really my gift. Exhortation perhaps – which comforted me at times, thinking that as long as I can encourage people with the message of the song, then I guess I’m still doing good – but not singing. And I keep on asking God, “Why would You let me enter the realm of praise and worship band, if You already knew that singing isn’t my talent? Just teach me how to praise dance. Or much better, just let me sit and enjoy the worship service without the need of doing anything in front. Just don’t make me sing!”

I had attended several workshops about praise and worship and heard several speakers say, “If you know that singing isn’t your gift, then quit. Not everybody is called to sing.” Then, there were times when I would hear people criticize the way I sing and compare me to someone who can sing better than I do. And honestly, I really wanted to quit. There were a lot of times when I just don’t want to stand in front to sing and lead praise and worship. I just wanted to stay in the back pew. “God can still hear me anyways, on or off stage”, I thought. And I keep on asking God, “Why do you still keep me on this mic? You have the power to take this away from me right? So why wouldn’t you? Why push me to do something that I really can’t?”

During the end of spring this year, while I was in the midst of my worries about where my life is really heading – When am I going to find a good-paying, full-time job? Am I going to have a career? Am I going to be able to fulfill my dreams of writing a book? When are we (me and my boyfriend) going to settle down? Am I going to be able to go back to school? When am I going to be able to get my own apartment and pay all my debts? What am I really going to do with my life? – I just had the thought of taking voice lesson near my place. I asked my boyfriend, Jay, to go with me and check two music schools here in Elmhurst. When we went to Musipire, they allowed me to have a trial class in order to help me decide on whether I really wanted to enroll or not. I had a good feeling about the school but I was overwhelmed with the price. I was having a second thought on whether I would go or not and if it’s worth the price or it’s just a waste of money. I don’t even have a full-time job at the moment. It was Jay who really encouraged me to push through with it. He told me that it’s going to be worth it since singing is a skill that I can keep for life. And only God knows how I was able to come up with the tuition fee, but I was able to go. (It’s actually my 10th class this Sunday at Musipire).

Last week, I just had the thought of practicing the song, “Completely” by Ana Laura, with Anju, our keyboardist and do it as our special number. Then Saturday, we tried to do the song but we’re not able to play it well. I don’t know if the song was too high or too low for me. All I know is that I can’t sing it and I was about to give up. But then, during our devotion with Paul Leong, one of our church members, I got this bible verse saying, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10). The last minute, I changed my mind and told Anju that we could try doing the song, “With all I am” by Hillsong. And praise the Lord, with all His grace and mercy, our practice turned out well.

Sunday, Anju and I practiced the song again and Jay told me that he was surprised to hear me sing that way. He didn’t really expect that I would be able to sing that well. Though it comforted me to know that I was able to sing good in our practice, I am still anxious. “What if it doesn’t turn out the way we practiced?” I thought. Then Jay reminded me of the story of Jesus’ first miracle when he turned the water into wine. He read it from Max Lucado’s book, “He still moves stones”.

“If it is important to you, then it is important to God. He won’t put you into shame.” He told me.

“Just close your eyes when you sing. It’s a special number and you’re not leading anyways.” He added.

A few minutes before I get on stage, I sensed as if God was speaking to me (or maybe it’s just me encouraging and talking to myself), “I will let you experience singing the way you never experienced before.” Then, another word came to me. It was from our devotion with Paul the day before, “Don’t think about the outcome, just do it.”

When I got up the stage, I was so nervous and my body was a bit wobbly. I remembered the last time I sang solo four years ago.- I was off key and all I ever wanted that time was to finish the song, “On my Knees” by Jaci Velasquez, and get off the stage. Though some of them were grateful that I sang and appreciated my effort, I can’t deny the fact that I messed up and I felt so embarrassed after I sang. I wanted to bury my head on the ground.–  When I was about to sing, this memory seemed to overwhelm me with fear and anxiety. But then, there’s no turning back for me. I’m already on stage. All I have to do is sing and believe in God’s miracle. Just BELIEVE. Believe that this time, He will help me sing and won’t put me into shame. And He did as He promised.

I wish I could put into words the experience that I had when I was singing that time. I didn’t sing as good as the American Idol winners nor did I sounded like Darlene Zschech, but I knew that I sang different from the way I used to sing before. The only way I can describe it is that, I sang as if the song seems to be coming from the inside out. I felt so light and I didn’t struggle much with my voice. And I literally felt as if God was smiling at me while I was singing. I did close my eyes, as Jay told me to do so, but in the middle when I opened them, I saw at least half of the people with their eyes closed. “Oh my Lord.” I thought.

The joy that I felt when I got off stage was indescribable. And it wasn’t for the fact that I sang well. I know that I still need more improvement. My voice lesson isn’t even over yet. It was the experience that I can’t forget.. the experience of singing for God from the core of my being. And another thing that God had never failed to amaze me with is the fact that, He had always been letting me experience the words of the song that I sing as if they were coming to life.  And this is the chorus of the song that I sang that time.. “♪ Jesus I BELIEVE in You. Jesus I belong to You. You’re the reason that I live, the reason that I sing, WITH ALL I AM. ♫”

I know that my journey isn’t going to end here. And I admit that till now, I still have my fears in singing –What if that’s going to be the first and last time that I’d be able to sing like that? Can I do it again? What if I can’t? Am I going to be embarrassed again the next time? Then I just sensed God spoke to me and told me, “It isn’t your singing that you should worry about, but your attitude. Pride. Haven’t you learned the lesson that I was trying to teach you for these past few years? It’s easier for me to enhance your skill than to build your character.” And I just realized, it only took me 10 lessons (which is 30 minutes/week for 10 weeks) to improve the way I sing, but it’s been years that God has been molding my character. And till now, I can’t even say that I’m halfway to having a really good one.

As human beings, we have the temptation to boast about our success or achievements. If we know that we excel in one aspect of our life, we have the tendency to boast about it and put down people who are below us, thinking that we are better than them.  And at times, we even forget that we owe everything to God.  Without God, we can’t do anything. We may be successful but still feel empty. And if we don’t know His purpose in our lives, all our achievements are nothing but vain. On the other end of the spectrum, we also have the tendency to put ourselves down either because of our inadequacy, timidity, insecurities, or at times, just the longing for other people to get us out of our insecurities. We let our lack of self-esteem hinder God’s calling. We end up doing nothing, not risking anything, for the fear of trying and losing. We doubt ourselves instead of believing that God can do anything through us, as He will. Pride can come either in a form of arrogance or false humility. Either way, God despise both of them.

I can say that I’m glad I wasn’t born a singer. Otherwise, my confidence would come from myself and not from God. And right now, though I still feel inadequate especially in the aspect of singing, I consider it as a blessing. It helps me not to soar too high and to always keep my feet on the ground. It reminds me that singing is a gift from God and not something that I really own. And though I shouldn’t boast about it, I know that it is a gift that I should be grateful for. I shouldn’t take it for granted. Also, I should not be scared of trying to do it again. If ever that time would come that I would fail singing again, it wasn’t a hint for me to quit, but it should fuel me to keep on trying. It’s a push for me to depend on God even more. The only time of quitting is when God calls me to do so. Otherwise, I should keep on walking on water. After all, I already had the courage to face the shame, my inadequacy and insecurities that I had in singing for years, why would I let my fears drown me now? Most of all, God already showed me that with Him, I can go beyond my limitation. If I doubt myself now, then I’m also doubting the things that He can do through me.

For He also said in His word, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

So If discouragements keep us from what God is calling us to do and we feel like giving up, the best thing to do is to.. “DON’T QUIT!” Just do it. Don’t think about the outcome. Faith requires us to be irrational at times. Like what Mother Theresa said, “God didn’t call us to be successful, He has called us to be faithful”. 

X-MEN : First Class (A note about love and forgiveness)

Yesterday I watched X-men with some of my great friends at Forest Hills. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t a coincidence that God allowed us to watch that movie. We actually struggled before we were able to make it on that 4:40 movie ticket, but thank God we did. Ok, so it’s x-men, what’s the big deal? I’m not even a marvel fan. But I’ve learned something really important from that movie. I’ve been asking God to speak to me and I just realized He actually screamed at me using that movie. I just heard His echo today.

It was a movie about Charles Xavier (aka Professor X) and Erik Lensherr (aka Magneto). I used to watch X-men when I was a kid but I never really knew the story behind Professor X and Magneto’s beef. I never knew that these two, who were archenemies used to be “best friends” despite the fact that they are really different. And one of their differences that caught me right now is the difference between living in pain and anger and living in tranquility. Erik, having his mother killed by Shaw, lived in pain and anger, knowing nothing but to avenge his mother’s death. When Erik met Charles, Charles showed him the difference between unleashing his power through anger and unleashing his power through tranquility and the difference between remembering the agonies of his past and remembering his good memories. I can never forget this simple line that Charles told Erik, “Revenge won’t give you peace.” Though in the end, Charles wasn’t able to stop Erik from killing Shaw.

Revenge won’t give you peace. Bitterness and anger won’t either. Neither remembering your past mistakes nor remembering those people who wronged you. I am very certain that in reality, everybody’s going through something. Everybody’s been hurt by somebody. Everybody is wounded. Some people are just better in hiding their scars than others. Either way, I can’t blame anybody if they react badly because of their situation. I don’t have the right to judge people on why they act a certain way because of their circumstances. People respond based on their own perspective in life. But I also learned the fact that whether we act or react because of our past hurt and experiences or our present situation, we are also the ones who are going to pay the consequences of either of our actions or our reactions. We may blame others for it but we are the ones who are really going to suffer from it.

This is what Charles Swindoll said about attitude :

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

Before I watched this movie, I was on the verge of letting my anger eat me. The only thing that was rewinding inside my head was those shattering and painful words that devastated me few days ago. I don’t want to forgive anymore. I thought that anger could be my only wall from stopping the same person from hurting me. But I failed to see that those walls also had the power to isolate me. And the only person who will suffer from this is not the person who hurt me, but ME.

This morning, I remembered one line from my book, His princess (by Sheri Rose Shepherd).. “give those people you love the freedom to fail”. I searched for the book hoping to find the exact page where I read that line. When I browsed the table of contents, I saw the title, “You are free to love”. Amazingly, when I flipped to that page, this is what I read..

You are free to Love

My Princess,

I have set you free to love others, so don't let people who have caused you pain paralyze you from experiencing the joys of love. I know there is always a risk when you give a piece of your heart away, but I've created you to enjoy the gift of special friendships. Choose wisely the ones that you invest your time and energy in, and also give those you love the freedom to fail. Remember that no one will love you as perfectly as I do. If you let Me take the disappointments that come with relationships, you will be free to give and receive love unconditionally. Remember, My Princess, most people need love the most when they deserve it the least.

Love,

Your King who is Love.. Jesus Christ

"Most of all continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." - 1Peter 4:8

Yes, I was on the right page. This is the page that I am looking for. I am amazed to see that my first guess was right. And this verse on that page, 1 Peter 4:8, was the same verse that keeps on screaming at me during that time when I was on the verge of hatred. God had already been speaking to me.. it’s just that, I’m not listening.

Most of the time, we thought that we give the people we love the freedom to fail. But the truth is, we only give them a room to mourn for their mistakes. If we never forgave them, then we never really gave them a room for failure. And we are only torturing ourselves from denying the fact that people are not perfect. No matter how much we try to avoid it, people hurting us is inevitable. And ironically, the people who had the most power to hurt us, are the people who are closest to us and the people whom we loved the most. It’s hard to forgive. It’s never easy. But the truth is, in this life, those that are worthy are never easy.

I remember posting this page, You are free to love, on my notes in facebook few years ago so I searched for it. At the bottom of this sweet letter I read what I wrote back then :

(October 29, 2009) 

Yeah, God's voice is so loud and powerful that once you hear it, you can't help but check yourself.. so here's my..

OWN LIFE APPLICATION

My verses for MYSELF today :

1. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23;

2. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. -Colossians 3:13

These past few months, I keep on trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. What’s preventing me from experiencing God’s presence in my life? I don’t want to pretend as if everything’s alright with my walk with Him when I know deep inside my heart that there is something wrong. I thought everything’s going to be alright since I already gave up the love of my life.. my only Isaac that I kept from God for more than a year. I thought that finally, I could get my heart right with God. Still, I’m not peaceful. Something’s missing.. something’s wrong. Then I realized that it's just one of the layers of myself that God had taken away. I still have more to deal with. And I got my answer this morning.. “Because you don’t know how to forgive”. Unintentionally, I have imprisoned myself in the spirit of unforgiveness from a lot of people. And I mean “people” not “person”.

God spoke to my heart today that I have overlooked having an unforgiving heart. It is something that I have to leave at the foot of the cross for I can’t go on walking with my spiritual walk with it. It will be like a set of chainball preventing me from placing one foot ahead of the other.

When God told me "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

He lead me to James 3:9-12.

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. “Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.”

I thought I've already set myself free from an unforgiving spirit but I saw that I haven’t for I never even acknowledged having it before God. I know it is only by His grace that I can truly forgive the unforgivable and love the unlovable. Through certain circumstances, God slowly revealed what I have inside my heart through the words of my mouth.

“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34 NKJV

“For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” Matthew 12:34 NLT

No matter how hard I try to keep my mouth from speaking words that are not life, there were just those times that I can’t control myself. It eventually flows naturally from the inside out. And that’s when I learn that I have to deal with my heart, not with my mouth. If grudge is in my heart, no good words will come out of my mouth. It may be easy to speak life to people I get along with but it’s very hard to speak life to people that I really despise. Then, I was reminded of Jesus word..

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. - Matthew 5:43-46

”Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

-1 Peter 4:8

And to be honest with myself, this is not easy to do. It’s easier said than done. I have a hard time doing it. And I even found out that the hardest people to forgive are those who really deserve it. But I do believe in my heart that even if it is the hardest thing to do, nothing is impossible with God (Matt 19:26; Mark 10:27)..

It’s time for me to stop pretending that I’ve already forgiven others. I admit that I have kept anger and unforgiveness as my only means of self-defense. I thought that it would keep me in a place where I could prevent others from hurting me any longer. I thought it could build a wall to keep people from abusing me. But I realized that it only caused my past hurts to haunt me and it kept me from growing spiritually. Indeed it built a wall around me, but it was a dark room where I'm kept from being free. It affects everything I do and say. I can’t have the right attitude and right response in a lot of situations because I can’t get my heart right. And now, I don’t want my unforgiving heart to hinder my relationship with God. I want to learn how to forgive and not simply forgive for the sake of it. I can fool everyone but I cannot fool God. For God says in Jeremiah 17:10

“But I, the LORD, search all hearts

and examine secret motives.

I give all people their due rewards,

according to what their actions deserve.”

I need God to help me and show me how to truly and sincerely forgive. Forgive whether they were asking for it or not. May God break my hard heart and take my pride away.. for God says..

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

My prayer was for God to teach me how to forgive. I wanted to learn how to forgive. And I will never learn how to forgive unless I am in a situation where I need to practice it. I wrote this last 2009. Till now, I am still a novice in forgiving. At least I am convinced that I failed better. Right now, I have to admit that I may be able to forgive people, but I do not have the courage and power to reconcile with all of them. However, I would take one of the definitions of forgiveness that I learned this year. I forgot if I read this or I heard this from one speaker, “Forgiveness is being in a position of having the power to hurt someone who hurt you, but you choose not to” (paraphrase). And like what Charles said, “Revenge won’t give you peace.”

There’s this one specific person that I have inside my head right now. I forgave him. Together with that, I have forgiven myself. And I choose to forgive because I wanted to be free. I don’t want this chains to bind me. If ever he’ll come to that place of enlightenment and true forgiveness, I’m just here, waiting for him to talk to me. And reading this note that I wrote 2 years ago, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been on the same place before. There’s only one thing that I’m praying for… that he would also learn how to give the people he love, “the freedom to fail”.