Unless God Quits, Don't Quit

 I feel so blessed when I sang last weekend and I know that not everybody would understand why it was such a big deal for me.  It wasn’t because some people told me that I sang better, nor was it because of their compliments, but it was the experience itself of being able to sing in a way that I never did before. And I wrote this not to brag about singing, but it’s another testimony of how God worked in my life, even during those times when I thought He wasn’t.

During my younger years, you can make me dance, act or declaim in front of a huge crowd, play sports, or even make me solve complicated math problems, but.. don’t ever make me sing. If there were two talents that I knew I never had, that would be singing and writing.

I had somewhat developed my writing skill when I started reading the bible and had the passion in reading Christian books. I also started journaling, writing about my experiences with God, how He has been changing my life, and His revelations through His words. Also, I learned how to write poems when I’m depressed or I’m in the midst of my overwhelming emotions. I may not be as good as those authors who had written several books, but I know that in a way, my writing skill had improved.

However, in my four years of singing in the church, I knew that my voice hasn’t improved that much. I even lack confidence in singing. Whenever I’m leading praise and worship or I’m a back up singer, or we’re called to do a special number in the church, or we’re invited to sing at other churches, I still feel intimidated knowing that singing isn’t really my gift. Exhortation perhaps – which comforted me at times, thinking that as long as I can encourage people with the message of the song, then I guess I’m still doing good – but not singing. And I keep on asking God, “Why would You let me enter the realm of praise and worship band, if You already knew that singing isn’t my talent? Just teach me how to praise dance. Or much better, just let me sit and enjoy the worship service without the need of doing anything in front. Just don’t make me sing!”

I had attended several workshops about praise and worship and heard several speakers say, “If you know that singing isn’t your gift, then quit. Not everybody is called to sing.” Then, there were times when I would hear people criticize the way I sing and compare me to someone who can sing better than I do. And honestly, I really wanted to quit. There were a lot of times when I just don’t want to stand in front to sing and lead praise and worship. I just wanted to stay in the back pew. “God can still hear me anyways, on or off stage”, I thought. And I keep on asking God, “Why do you still keep me on this mic? You have the power to take this away from me right? So why wouldn’t you? Why push me to do something that I really can’t?”

During the end of spring this year, while I was in the midst of my worries about where my life is really heading – When am I going to find a good-paying, full-time job? Am I going to have a career? Am I going to be able to fulfill my dreams of writing a book? When are we (me and my boyfriend) going to settle down? Am I going to be able to go back to school? When am I going to be able to get my own apartment and pay all my debts? What am I really going to do with my life? – I just had the thought of taking voice lesson near my place. I asked my boyfriend, Jay, to go with me and check two music schools here in Elmhurst. When we went to Musipire, they allowed me to have a trial class in order to help me decide on whether I really wanted to enroll or not. I had a good feeling about the school but I was overwhelmed with the price. I was having a second thought on whether I would go or not and if it’s worth the price or it’s just a waste of money. I don’t even have a full-time job at the moment. It was Jay who really encouraged me to push through with it. He told me that it’s going to be worth it since singing is a skill that I can keep for life. And only God knows how I was able to come up with the tuition fee, but I was able to go. (It’s actually my 10th class this Sunday at Musipire).

Last week, I just had the thought of practicing the song, “Completely” by Ana Laura, with Anju, our keyboardist and do it as our special number. Then Saturday, we tried to do the song but we’re not able to play it well. I don’t know if the song was too high or too low for me. All I know is that I can’t sing it and I was about to give up. But then, during our devotion with Paul Leong, one of our church members, I got this bible verse saying, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10). The last minute, I changed my mind and told Anju that we could try doing the song, “With all I am” by Hillsong. And praise the Lord, with all His grace and mercy, our practice turned out well.

Sunday, Anju and I practiced the song again and Jay told me that he was surprised to hear me sing that way. He didn’t really expect that I would be able to sing that well. Though it comforted me to know that I was able to sing good in our practice, I am still anxious. “What if it doesn’t turn out the way we practiced?” I thought. Then Jay reminded me of the story of Jesus’ first miracle when he turned the water into wine. He read it from Max Lucado’s book, “He still moves stones”.

“If it is important to you, then it is important to God. He won’t put you into shame.” He told me.

“Just close your eyes when you sing. It’s a special number and you’re not leading anyways.” He added.

A few minutes before I get on stage, I sensed as if God was speaking to me (or maybe it’s just me encouraging and talking to myself), “I will let you experience singing the way you never experienced before.” Then, another word came to me. It was from our devotion with Paul the day before, “Don’t think about the outcome, just do it.”

When I got up the stage, I was so nervous and my body was a bit wobbly. I remembered the last time I sang solo four years ago.- I was off key and all I ever wanted that time was to finish the song, “On my Knees” by Jaci Velasquez, and get off the stage. Though some of them were grateful that I sang and appreciated my effort, I can’t deny the fact that I messed up and I felt so embarrassed after I sang. I wanted to bury my head on the ground.–  When I was about to sing, this memory seemed to overwhelm me with fear and anxiety. But then, there’s no turning back for me. I’m already on stage. All I have to do is sing and believe in God’s miracle. Just BELIEVE. Believe that this time, He will help me sing and won’t put me into shame. And He did as He promised.

I wish I could put into words the experience that I had when I was singing that time. I didn’t sing as good as the American Idol winners nor did I sounded like Darlene Zschech, but I knew that I sang different from the way I used to sing before. The only way I can describe it is that, I sang as if the song seems to be coming from the inside out. I felt so light and I didn’t struggle much with my voice. And I literally felt as if God was smiling at me while I was singing. I did close my eyes, as Jay told me to do so, but in the middle when I opened them, I saw at least half of the people with their eyes closed. “Oh my Lord.” I thought.

The joy that I felt when I got off stage was indescribable. And it wasn’t for the fact that I sang well. I know that I still need more improvement. My voice lesson isn’t even over yet. It was the experience that I can’t forget.. the experience of singing for God from the core of my being. And another thing that God had never failed to amaze me with is the fact that, He had always been letting me experience the words of the song that I sing as if they were coming to life.  And this is the chorus of the song that I sang that time.. “♪ Jesus I BELIEVE in You. Jesus I belong to You. You’re the reason that I live, the reason that I sing, WITH ALL I AM. ♫”

I know that my journey isn’t going to end here. And I admit that till now, I still have my fears in singing –What if that’s going to be the first and last time that I’d be able to sing like that? Can I do it again? What if I can’t? Am I going to be embarrassed again the next time? Then I just sensed God spoke to me and told me, “It isn’t your singing that you should worry about, but your attitude. Pride. Haven’t you learned the lesson that I was trying to teach you for these past few years? It’s easier for me to enhance your skill than to build your character.” And I just realized, it only took me 10 lessons (which is 30 minutes/week for 10 weeks) to improve the way I sing, but it’s been years that God has been molding my character. And till now, I can’t even say that I’m halfway to having a really good one.

As human beings, we have the temptation to boast about our success or achievements. If we know that we excel in one aspect of our life, we have the tendency to boast about it and put down people who are below us, thinking that we are better than them.  And at times, we even forget that we owe everything to God.  Without God, we can’t do anything. We may be successful but still feel empty. And if we don’t know His purpose in our lives, all our achievements are nothing but vain. On the other end of the spectrum, we also have the tendency to put ourselves down either because of our inadequacy, timidity, insecurities, or at times, just the longing for other people to get us out of our insecurities. We let our lack of self-esteem hinder God’s calling. We end up doing nothing, not risking anything, for the fear of trying and losing. We doubt ourselves instead of believing that God can do anything through us, as He will. Pride can come either in a form of arrogance or false humility. Either way, God despise both of them.

I can say that I’m glad I wasn’t born a singer. Otherwise, my confidence would come from myself and not from God. And right now, though I still feel inadequate especially in the aspect of singing, I consider it as a blessing. It helps me not to soar too high and to always keep my feet on the ground. It reminds me that singing is a gift from God and not something that I really own. And though I shouldn’t boast about it, I know that it is a gift that I should be grateful for. I shouldn’t take it for granted. Also, I should not be scared of trying to do it again. If ever that time would come that I would fail singing again, it wasn’t a hint for me to quit, but it should fuel me to keep on trying. It’s a push for me to depend on God even more. The only time of quitting is when God calls me to do so. Otherwise, I should keep on walking on water. After all, I already had the courage to face the shame, my inadequacy and insecurities that I had in singing for years, why would I let my fears drown me now? Most of all, God already showed me that with Him, I can go beyond my limitation. If I doubt myself now, then I’m also doubting the things that He can do through me.

For He also said in His word, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

So If discouragements keep us from what God is calling us to do and we feel like giving up, the best thing to do is to.. “DON’T QUIT!” Just do it. Don’t think about the outcome. Faith requires us to be irrational at times. Like what Mother Theresa said, “God didn’t call us to be successful, He has called us to be faithful”. 

X-MEN : First Class (A note about love and forgiveness)

Yesterday I watched X-men with some of my great friends at Forest Hills. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t a coincidence that God allowed us to watch that movie. We actually struggled before we were able to make it on that 4:40 movie ticket, but thank God we did. Ok, so it’s x-men, what’s the big deal? I’m not even a marvel fan. But I’ve learned something really important from that movie. I’ve been asking God to speak to me and I just realized He actually screamed at me using that movie. I just heard His echo today.

It was a movie about Charles Xavier (aka Professor X) and Erik Lensherr (aka Magneto). I used to watch X-men when I was a kid but I never really knew the story behind Professor X and Magneto’s beef. I never knew that these two, who were archenemies used to be “best friends” despite the fact that they are really different. And one of their differences that caught me right now is the difference between living in pain and anger and living in tranquility. Erik, having his mother killed by Shaw, lived in pain and anger, knowing nothing but to avenge his mother’s death. When Erik met Charles, Charles showed him the difference between unleashing his power through anger and unleashing his power through tranquility and the difference between remembering the agonies of his past and remembering his good memories. I can never forget this simple line that Charles told Erik, “Revenge won’t give you peace.” Though in the end, Charles wasn’t able to stop Erik from killing Shaw.

Revenge won’t give you peace. Bitterness and anger won’t either. Neither remembering your past mistakes nor remembering those people who wronged you. I am very certain that in reality, everybody’s going through something. Everybody’s been hurt by somebody. Everybody is wounded. Some people are just better in hiding their scars than others. Either way, I can’t blame anybody if they react badly because of their situation. I don’t have the right to judge people on why they act a certain way because of their circumstances. People respond based on their own perspective in life. But I also learned the fact that whether we act or react because of our past hurt and experiences or our present situation, we are also the ones who are going to pay the consequences of either of our actions or our reactions. We may blame others for it but we are the ones who are really going to suffer from it.

This is what Charles Swindoll said about attitude :

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

Before I watched this movie, I was on the verge of letting my anger eat me. The only thing that was rewinding inside my head was those shattering and painful words that devastated me few days ago. I don’t want to forgive anymore. I thought that anger could be my only wall from stopping the same person from hurting me. But I failed to see that those walls also had the power to isolate me. And the only person who will suffer from this is not the person who hurt me, but ME.

This morning, I remembered one line from my book, His princess (by Sheri Rose Shepherd).. “give those people you love the freedom to fail”. I searched for the book hoping to find the exact page where I read that line. When I browsed the table of contents, I saw the title, “You are free to love”. Amazingly, when I flipped to that page, this is what I read..

You are free to Love

My Princess,

I have set you free to love others, so don't let people who have caused you pain paralyze you from experiencing the joys of love. I know there is always a risk when you give a piece of your heart away, but I've created you to enjoy the gift of special friendships. Choose wisely the ones that you invest your time and energy in, and also give those you love the freedom to fail. Remember that no one will love you as perfectly as I do. If you let Me take the disappointments that come with relationships, you will be free to give and receive love unconditionally. Remember, My Princess, most people need love the most when they deserve it the least.

Love,

Your King who is Love.. Jesus Christ

"Most of all continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." - 1Peter 4:8

Yes, I was on the right page. This is the page that I am looking for. I am amazed to see that my first guess was right. And this verse on that page, 1 Peter 4:8, was the same verse that keeps on screaming at me during that time when I was on the verge of hatred. God had already been speaking to me.. it’s just that, I’m not listening.

Most of the time, we thought that we give the people we love the freedom to fail. But the truth is, we only give them a room to mourn for their mistakes. If we never forgave them, then we never really gave them a room for failure. And we are only torturing ourselves from denying the fact that people are not perfect. No matter how much we try to avoid it, people hurting us is inevitable. And ironically, the people who had the most power to hurt us, are the people who are closest to us and the people whom we loved the most. It’s hard to forgive. It’s never easy. But the truth is, in this life, those that are worthy are never easy.

I remember posting this page, You are free to love, on my notes in facebook few years ago so I searched for it. At the bottom of this sweet letter I read what I wrote back then :

(October 29, 2009) 

Yeah, God's voice is so loud and powerful that once you hear it, you can't help but check yourself.. so here's my..

OWN LIFE APPLICATION

My verses for MYSELF today :

1. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23;

2. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. -Colossians 3:13

These past few months, I keep on trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. What’s preventing me from experiencing God’s presence in my life? I don’t want to pretend as if everything’s alright with my walk with Him when I know deep inside my heart that there is something wrong. I thought everything’s going to be alright since I already gave up the love of my life.. my only Isaac that I kept from God for more than a year. I thought that finally, I could get my heart right with God. Still, I’m not peaceful. Something’s missing.. something’s wrong. Then I realized that it's just one of the layers of myself that God had taken away. I still have more to deal with. And I got my answer this morning.. “Because you don’t know how to forgive”. Unintentionally, I have imprisoned myself in the spirit of unforgiveness from a lot of people. And I mean “people” not “person”.

God spoke to my heart today that I have overlooked having an unforgiving heart. It is something that I have to leave at the foot of the cross for I can’t go on walking with my spiritual walk with it. It will be like a set of chainball preventing me from placing one foot ahead of the other.

When God told me "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

He lead me to James 3:9-12.

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. “Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.”

I thought I've already set myself free from an unforgiving spirit but I saw that I haven’t for I never even acknowledged having it before God. I know it is only by His grace that I can truly forgive the unforgivable and love the unlovable. Through certain circumstances, God slowly revealed what I have inside my heart through the words of my mouth.

“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34 NKJV

“For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” Matthew 12:34 NLT

No matter how hard I try to keep my mouth from speaking words that are not life, there were just those times that I can’t control myself. It eventually flows naturally from the inside out. And that’s when I learn that I have to deal with my heart, not with my mouth. If grudge is in my heart, no good words will come out of my mouth. It may be easy to speak life to people I get along with but it’s very hard to speak life to people that I really despise. Then, I was reminded of Jesus word..

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. - Matthew 5:43-46

”Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

-1 Peter 4:8

And to be honest with myself, this is not easy to do. It’s easier said than done. I have a hard time doing it. And I even found out that the hardest people to forgive are those who really deserve it. But I do believe in my heart that even if it is the hardest thing to do, nothing is impossible with God (Matt 19:26; Mark 10:27)..

It’s time for me to stop pretending that I’ve already forgiven others. I admit that I have kept anger and unforgiveness as my only means of self-defense. I thought that it would keep me in a place where I could prevent others from hurting me any longer. I thought it could build a wall to keep people from abusing me. But I realized that it only caused my past hurts to haunt me and it kept me from growing spiritually. Indeed it built a wall around me, but it was a dark room where I'm kept from being free. It affects everything I do and say. I can’t have the right attitude and right response in a lot of situations because I can’t get my heart right. And now, I don’t want my unforgiving heart to hinder my relationship with God. I want to learn how to forgive and not simply forgive for the sake of it. I can fool everyone but I cannot fool God. For God says in Jeremiah 17:10

“But I, the LORD, search all hearts

and examine secret motives.

I give all people their due rewards,

according to what their actions deserve.”

I need God to help me and show me how to truly and sincerely forgive. Forgive whether they were asking for it or not. May God break my hard heart and take my pride away.. for God says..

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

My prayer was for God to teach me how to forgive. I wanted to learn how to forgive. And I will never learn how to forgive unless I am in a situation where I need to practice it. I wrote this last 2009. Till now, I am still a novice in forgiving. At least I am convinced that I failed better. Right now, I have to admit that I may be able to forgive people, but I do not have the courage and power to reconcile with all of them. However, I would take one of the definitions of forgiveness that I learned this year. I forgot if I read this or I heard this from one speaker, “Forgiveness is being in a position of having the power to hurt someone who hurt you, but you choose not to” (paraphrase). And like what Charles said, “Revenge won’t give you peace.”

There’s this one specific person that I have inside my head right now. I forgave him. Together with that, I have forgiven myself. And I choose to forgive because I wanted to be free. I don’t want this chains to bind me. If ever he’ll come to that place of enlightenment and true forgiveness, I’m just here, waiting for him to talk to me. And reading this note that I wrote 2 years ago, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been on the same place before. There’s only one thing that I’m praying for… that he would also learn how to give the people he love, “the freedom to fail”.