X-MEN : First Class (A note about love and forgiveness)

Yesterday I watched X-men with some of my great friends at Forest Hills. Now that I think about it, it wasn’t a coincidence that God allowed us to watch that movie. We actually struggled before we were able to make it on that 4:40 movie ticket, but thank God we did. Ok, so it’s x-men, what’s the big deal? I’m not even a marvel fan. But I’ve learned something really important from that movie. I’ve been asking God to speak to me and I just realized He actually screamed at me using that movie. I just heard His echo today.

It was a movie about Charles Xavier (aka Professor X) and Erik Lensherr (aka Magneto). I used to watch X-men when I was a kid but I never really knew the story behind Professor X and Magneto’s beef. I never knew that these two, who were archenemies used to be “best friends” despite the fact that they are really different. And one of their differences that caught me right now is the difference between living in pain and anger and living in tranquility. Erik, having his mother killed by Shaw, lived in pain and anger, knowing nothing but to avenge his mother’s death. When Erik met Charles, Charles showed him the difference between unleashing his power through anger and unleashing his power through tranquility and the difference between remembering the agonies of his past and remembering his good memories. I can never forget this simple line that Charles told Erik, “Revenge won’t give you peace.” Though in the end, Charles wasn’t able to stop Erik from killing Shaw.

Revenge won’t give you peace. Bitterness and anger won’t either. Neither remembering your past mistakes nor remembering those people who wronged you. I am very certain that in reality, everybody’s going through something. Everybody’s been hurt by somebody. Everybody is wounded. Some people are just better in hiding their scars than others. Either way, I can’t blame anybody if they react badly because of their situation. I don’t have the right to judge people on why they act a certain way because of their circumstances. People respond based on their own perspective in life. But I also learned the fact that whether we act or react because of our past hurt and experiences or our present situation, we are also the ones who are going to pay the consequences of either of our actions or our reactions. We may blame others for it but we are the ones who are really going to suffer from it.

This is what Charles Swindoll said about attitude :

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

Before I watched this movie, I was on the verge of letting my anger eat me. The only thing that was rewinding inside my head was those shattering and painful words that devastated me few days ago. I don’t want to forgive anymore. I thought that anger could be my only wall from stopping the same person from hurting me. But I failed to see that those walls also had the power to isolate me. And the only person who will suffer from this is not the person who hurt me, but ME.

This morning, I remembered one line from my book, His princess (by Sheri Rose Shepherd).. “give those people you love the freedom to fail”. I searched for the book hoping to find the exact page where I read that line. When I browsed the table of contents, I saw the title, “You are free to love”. Amazingly, when I flipped to that page, this is what I read..

You are free to Love

My Princess,

I have set you free to love others, so don't let people who have caused you pain paralyze you from experiencing the joys of love. I know there is always a risk when you give a piece of your heart away, but I've created you to enjoy the gift of special friendships. Choose wisely the ones that you invest your time and energy in, and also give those you love the freedom to fail. Remember that no one will love you as perfectly as I do. If you let Me take the disappointments that come with relationships, you will be free to give and receive love unconditionally. Remember, My Princess, most people need love the most when they deserve it the least.

Love,

Your King who is Love.. Jesus Christ

"Most of all continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins." - 1Peter 4:8

Yes, I was on the right page. This is the page that I am looking for. I am amazed to see that my first guess was right. And this verse on that page, 1 Peter 4:8, was the same verse that keeps on screaming at me during that time when I was on the verge of hatred. God had already been speaking to me.. it’s just that, I’m not listening.

Most of the time, we thought that we give the people we love the freedom to fail. But the truth is, we only give them a room to mourn for their mistakes. If we never forgave them, then we never really gave them a room for failure. And we are only torturing ourselves from denying the fact that people are not perfect. No matter how much we try to avoid it, people hurting us is inevitable. And ironically, the people who had the most power to hurt us, are the people who are closest to us and the people whom we loved the most. It’s hard to forgive. It’s never easy. But the truth is, in this life, those that are worthy are never easy.

I remember posting this page, You are free to love, on my notes in facebook few years ago so I searched for it. At the bottom of this sweet letter I read what I wrote back then :

(October 29, 2009) 

Yeah, God's voice is so loud and powerful that once you hear it, you can't help but check yourself.. so here's my..

OWN LIFE APPLICATION

My verses for MYSELF today :

1. "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23;

2. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. -Colossians 3:13

These past few months, I keep on trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. What’s preventing me from experiencing God’s presence in my life? I don’t want to pretend as if everything’s alright with my walk with Him when I know deep inside my heart that there is something wrong. I thought everything’s going to be alright since I already gave up the love of my life.. my only Isaac that I kept from God for more than a year. I thought that finally, I could get my heart right with God. Still, I’m not peaceful. Something’s missing.. something’s wrong. Then I realized that it's just one of the layers of myself that God had taken away. I still have more to deal with. And I got my answer this morning.. “Because you don’t know how to forgive”. Unintentionally, I have imprisoned myself in the spirit of unforgiveness from a lot of people. And I mean “people” not “person”.

God spoke to my heart today that I have overlooked having an unforgiving heart. It is something that I have to leave at the foot of the cross for I can’t go on walking with my spiritual walk with it. It will be like a set of chainball preventing me from placing one foot ahead of the other.

When God told me "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

He lead me to James 3:9-12.

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? My brothers, can a fig tree bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. “Does a spring of water bubble out with both fresh water and bitter water? Does a fig tree produce olives, or a grapevine produce figs? No, and you can’t draw fresh water from a salty spring.”

I thought I've already set myself free from an unforgiving spirit but I saw that I haven’t for I never even acknowledged having it before God. I know it is only by His grace that I can truly forgive the unforgivable and love the unlovable. Through certain circumstances, God slowly revealed what I have inside my heart through the words of my mouth.

“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” Matthew 12:34 NKJV

“For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” Matthew 12:34 NLT

No matter how hard I try to keep my mouth from speaking words that are not life, there were just those times that I can’t control myself. It eventually flows naturally from the inside out. And that’s when I learn that I have to deal with my heart, not with my mouth. If grudge is in my heart, no good words will come out of my mouth. It may be easy to speak life to people I get along with but it’s very hard to speak life to people that I really despise. Then, I was reminded of Jesus word..

“You have heard the law that says, ‘Love your neighbor’ and hate your enemy. But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. - Matthew 5:43-46

”Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

-1 Peter 4:8

And to be honest with myself, this is not easy to do. It’s easier said than done. I have a hard time doing it. And I even found out that the hardest people to forgive are those who really deserve it. But I do believe in my heart that even if it is the hardest thing to do, nothing is impossible with God (Matt 19:26; Mark 10:27)..

It’s time for me to stop pretending that I’ve already forgiven others. I admit that I have kept anger and unforgiveness as my only means of self-defense. I thought that it would keep me in a place where I could prevent others from hurting me any longer. I thought it could build a wall to keep people from abusing me. But I realized that it only caused my past hurts to haunt me and it kept me from growing spiritually. Indeed it built a wall around me, but it was a dark room where I'm kept from being free. It affects everything I do and say. I can’t have the right attitude and right response in a lot of situations because I can’t get my heart right. And now, I don’t want my unforgiving heart to hinder my relationship with God. I want to learn how to forgive and not simply forgive for the sake of it. I can fool everyone but I cannot fool God. For God says in Jeremiah 17:10

“But I, the LORD, search all hearts

and examine secret motives.

I give all people their due rewards,

according to what their actions deserve.”

I need God to help me and show me how to truly and sincerely forgive. Forgive whether they were asking for it or not. May God break my hard heart and take my pride away.. for God says..

"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

My prayer was for God to teach me how to forgive. I wanted to learn how to forgive. And I will never learn how to forgive unless I am in a situation where I need to practice it. I wrote this last 2009. Till now, I am still a novice in forgiving. At least I am convinced that I failed better. Right now, I have to admit that I may be able to forgive people, but I do not have the courage and power to reconcile with all of them. However, I would take one of the definitions of forgiveness that I learned this year. I forgot if I read this or I heard this from one speaker, “Forgiveness is being in a position of having the power to hurt someone who hurt you, but you choose not to” (paraphrase). And like what Charles said, “Revenge won’t give you peace.”

There’s this one specific person that I have inside my head right now. I forgave him. Together with that, I have forgiven myself. And I choose to forgive because I wanted to be free. I don’t want this chains to bind me. If ever he’ll come to that place of enlightenment and true forgiveness, I’m just here, waiting for him to talk to me. And reading this note that I wrote 2 years ago, I’ve come to realize that I’ve been on the same place before. There’s only one thing that I’m praying for… that he would also learn how to give the people he love, “the freedom to fail”.

Questions in the Midst of my Faith

Walking in this road of life seems so endless and restless. There were times when I just feel so exhausted and I just want to stop walking. I want to stop living but it’s a fact that I can’t stop existing. Life will go on, time will go by and I don’thave a choice but to keep moving forward. Through one of the coldest and darkest nights in my life, I can’t help but wonder what life is about. It’s not that I didn’t know that I have a purpose, because I do believe that God created me for one, but there are certain things in life that confuse me. What’s right from wrong? How things ought to be? What should be done? What are the possibilities to expect and hope for?

I’m not saying that I do not know absolute right from wrong. But there were times in an argument or debates when both parties could make legit reasons and both of them have their point and could be right. And it’s not that I don’t know what I should or should not do. It’s just that where times when I’m really clueless on what’s the right thing to do in a certain situation or the right decision to make. And because I am ironically a realistic person who still believes in miracles, I want to know if there are limitations to the impossibilities that God would allow beyond the realities of life. Despite my growing faith, I have to admit that I'm still clouded by doubts, confusion and questions.

What is Christian life is about? Is it being saved by grace but be questioned for not always doing the right thing? To realize that as Christians, we ought to be Christ-like, but learn that we are still imperfect human beings. Frail. Capable of failing and breaking one’s trust. If that’s the case, should imperfection stop me from trusting people then? Or should anyone even learn how to trust at all? Should I even hate myself for being and imperfect, untrustworthy human being? Is Christianity even about perfection? Or is it believing and understanding that being saved by grace means perfection can never be beyond one’s reach? Isn’t that the reason why God sent His one and only Son to die on the cross for us? He saved us because we cannot save ourselves from our sinful nature. But if that’s the case, should we stop being good and continue to sin then? How about the verse that says, “Faith without action is dead.” And isn’t the question “should we continue living in sin?” been answered, “NO” by Paul in his letters several times? But why even state that even he, himself is struggling with his sinful nature in Romans 7:14-25? And how about the verse that says, “All things have passed away, behold all things are new,” but find ourselves still struggling with the things that we had expected to be delivered from? Should we really be condemned and judged despite the fact that growing, changing and bearing fruit is a process that we need to go through, hoped for and wait upon? What is Christian life all about?

What  is God’s will all about? How do we know His will? How could we truly hear His voice? How do we discern we really hear God’s voice or we’re merely fooling ourselves? If God says, His sheep knows His voice, should I always believe every leading that I see then? If faith requires action despite doubts, am I not supposed to feel uncertain? And if God close doors no one can shut and shut doors no one can open, are all good opportunities from God? Why do we still fail to align to His will then? Is this life really one’s choice? Or is it about God’s will? And if God allows failure for a purpose, should we blame ourselves for failing then?

And how about Love? What is love all about? What makes love unconditional? Why say someone is not deserving of your love if love is unconditional? Aren’t we supposed to love those people who deserves it the least? What does it mean to truly love someone anyway?  But what is sharing God’s love all about? Is love and forgiveness all about tolerance? Or is it about respect and discipline? And how can love be a commitment if love is also letting go and setting free?

You may find me weird for asking these questions or think that I don’t understand my faith, though some of you might find yourselves asking the same questions that I do. But, it’s a fact that no matter what I do, and no matter how hard I try to be faithful and trust God, my limited knowledge could never answer all questions nor solve all mysteries about life. Neither can I fully understand God and His ways. Though I may not fully understand all there is about life and God, I do however, know that God is all that I need to survive in this life. He is the only reason for my existence and living. He may be beyond my touch, my grasp but I know that He is real and He is alive.

 Needless to say, my life can never be perfect just because I am a Christian. I will continue to struggle. But that wouldn’t stop me from living my life. I may be exhausted but I haven’t stopped walking.. and running.. and enduring.. till I reach my destination. I will never stop hoping that there’ll come a day when all my doubts and my questions together with my fears, anxieties, burdens, pains, confusions and even my imperfections will fade. Everything else may fail, but not God. There may be times when I all I ever wanted to do was to stop and cry my heart out. But my lamentation isn’t merely a complaint to show lack of faith but also a form of worship to express my total dependence on God. At times, He may be silent but that doesn’t mean He quit. And though I can’t help myself from longing and yearning for Him to finally take me home, I won’t stop living one day at a time. Time and life is like a coin, only to be spend once.. why waste it?

Indeed life is full of pain, tragedy, lies, conflicts, problems and suffering. But, I do believe that God has a purpose for everything. And like Jonah in the bible, He can even allow you to get away from Him and go your own way, which is directly opposite to the road that He had prepared for You. But even there, great lessons can be learned. And no matter how stubborn we may be, like the prodigal son, God is always ready to accept us and to run towards us once we finally decided to back home. And it is true that not all good opportunities come from God. But it is still our choice what to accept or reject. At times, we may fail. Still, failures surrendered to God can be turned upside down. I have stopped seeking for perfection and true satisfaction in this life for I know that I’ll never find it. For who could ever be satisfied in this life if one is created for eternity? Instead, I’ve learned how to love and embrace life’s beauty along with its flaw.  Nevertheless, it’s been my catalyst to live for eternity.

Lastly, Loving without getting hurt is impossible. And when love is betrayed, when love is violated, when trust has been broken… it is hard to trust again, to believe again and to love again. But even if it’s hard, I won’t keep myself from experiencing love and from trusting again. For what teaches me to truly love and made me feel loved and accepted is the fact that I’ve experienced hatred, being hated and being rejected. And though loving without getting hurt is impossible, love in itself is not pain. Love is beautiful and wonderful. God is even equated with love. Though love may reveal layers and layers of a person’s flaw, it could also bring out one’s best. Most of all, I believe that love doesn’t fail you, people do.

Cracked Water Pot (Original Story with my Reflection)

A water bearer in India had two large pots hanging at the ends of a pole that he carried across his neck. One of the pots was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the master's house. The other pot had a crack in it, and by the time it reached its destination, it was only half full. Every day for two years the water bearer delivered only one and one-half pots of water to the master's house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments—perfect to the end for which it was made. The poor little cracked pot was ashamed of its imperfections and miserable that it could accomplish only half of what it had been designed to do. After two years of what the imperfect pot perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer and said, "I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you." "Why?" asked the bearer, "What are you ashamed of?"

"Well, for these past two years, I have been able to deliver only half a load of water each day because this crack in my side allows water to leak out all the way back to the master's house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all this work without getting the full value of your efforts," the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the master's house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path." Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot noticed the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because half of its load had leaked out once again.

Then the bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path and not on the other pot's side? That's because I've always known about your flaw and took advantage of it by planting flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day as we walked back from the stream, you watered those seeds, and for two years I have picked these beautiful flowers to decorate my master's table. Without you being just what you are, he would not have had this beauty to grace his house."

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.

But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a lot of good out there.

MY REFLECTION

Being a “living sacrifice” is not about being perfect in order to be accepted by God. Who has the power to be perfect anyway? If God knew that we can be perfect, then there’s no need for Him to send His one and only Son to die for our sins. The issue of perfection has been dealt by Christ on the cross.

An omnipotent and omniscient God knows everything about us.. our flaws, our weaknesses, our failures, our strengths, our achievements, our ambitions, our secrets.. everything from the inside out. Being a living sacrifice isn't simply changing your ways and your attitude in order TO SHOW people how good you are. It is about allowing God to mold you and change you in His own unique way and in His perfect time. At the same time, it’s about allowing Him to use you as His cracked pot in order to change other people’s lives.

For the past years I’ve always struggled on how to tell other people what I do not like about them, what is wrong with them and how to change them. As much as I struggle about their flaws, I struggle with my own. How can I change? What should I do? Why am I like this? In short, why can’t I just be perfect? But God taught me this simple lesson in life.. “I cannot change people.” I can’t change the way they think about me, the way they think about others, the way they act around. In the same way, I cannot change myself by my own strength. Without the power of the Spirit of the living God, my efforts will be in vain.

“The Spirit alone gives eternal life. Human effort accomplishes nothing. And the very words I have spoken to you are spirit and life.” – John 6:63

All of us are cracked pots made by God's own hands. He shapes us and molds us as His own unique masterpiece. Since we are uniquely created, we have our own strengths and weaknesses. We can’t expect others to be able to do everything we can do.

We may not be able to change other people but God can use us as an instrument to change others. Sometimes it may involve revealing our flaws. Like the cracked pot, we may feel ashamed, useless and worthless. But look at Paul’s statement..

“To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

God gives us weaknesses and shows us our self-inadequacy in order to keep us from becoming proud. Likewise, He want us to acknowledge those things before Him so we can enable Him to work in us. He wants us to realize that without Him, we are nothing and we can do nothing. Our weaknesses and failures keep us from exalting ourselves above God and above others. As a servant of Christ, we should then know that whatever we accomplish, whatever good that is in us comes from God and not from our own. We should stop boasting about the things that we can do that others cannot.

In the same way, don't condemn yourself for not being able to do all things right. God can use even your worst character in order to shape other people's lives. Allow Him to water the seeds that He has planted along your way through your imperfections. Stop wondering on how people around you can change. Instead start praying for them and be still when God wants to USE you as His cracked pot to change them.

Most of the time, when I share the gospel of Christ to people, I'm able to connect with them not by criticizing them but by sharing my own testimony. Though I'm not perfect, for God isn't done with me yet, I was able to share how God had changed my life. At times I may feel like it's not enough but made me realize that He can use the 5 loaves and 2 fishes that I have in my  hands. 

So learn how to accept yourself and accept your flaws. Don't try to be somebody else nor pretend to do the things that you cannot do. If you're hoping for God to change you, then you should allow Him to reveal the real you. No matter how much we hide ourselves from the bushes, God will still reveal your weaknesses through your circumstances. Learn how to acknowledge them before God and allow Him to change you.

If you want people around you to change, don’t force them to change, don’t tell them what to do.. instead share your life with them, your own testimony. Tell them how God changed you and the things that He has done in your life. If it is God's will, allow Him to use you to touch those people's hearts. Through your testimony, others can learn from you. When you share your testimony, your life speaks for you.

Lastly, stop focusing on other people... let God deal with them. Rather, focus on yourself.

Check your heart.. why do you want them to change? If the reason is simply because you want them to treat you right, then your reason is still self-centered. But if you want them to change because you want them to be a better person, then your reason is out of compassion. In that way, every words you'll use to rebuke those people will be out of love and not condemnation.

Instead of wondering why your circumstances or the people around you are not changing, ask God what He is trying to change in you through them. When we stop asking why and start responding right, God will reveal His answers and His purpose for our circumstances.

I thank God for the cracked pots that He has placed in my life. These people may have hurt, insulted, mocked, criticized, judged or even paralyzed me, but, they are a blessing for me. Through them, God has molded my character. Accepting this reality is hard, painful, frustrating and burdensome, but I’ve learned the greatest lessons in my life from it. I also thank God for the cracked pots who were brave enough to share their life with me.. for their encouraging testimonies. They showed me what God can do in a person’s life.